There are two main schools of thought on going for a kiss on your first date (or the initial conversation):
1) Go for the kiss at the moment when you feel it’s right
2) Intentionally slow-play it until your second or third date
We’ve talked about the first approach, so let’s discuss the second now.
Guys who subscribe to the idea of holding off on a kiss believe it’s effective for one main reason: It confuses her, in effect, “hooking” her interest.
For instance, let’s say you go out on a date and have a good time. The chemistry was there, the attraction was there, so she’s expecting you to go for a kiss at the end of the night…but you don’t.
She goes home wondering “What the hell? We had fun. He seemed into me. Why didn’t he try to kiss me? Other guys try to kiss me. What is it about this guy that made him not want to? Or was it something about me?”
Basically, your lack of kissing her results in this woman being totally in her own head, thinking about you. And as we know, when a woman is confused about how you fee, it’s great for increasing her interest in you.
If that same thing happens after the second date, guys who like this approach think the “hook” factor will become even more magnified.
She’ll be baffled because, on one hand, the dates are going well, but on the other, you’re making no effort to kiss her.
Now, I believe there can be truth to this, but I also believe I think this approach has drawbacks.
Waiting until the second or third date automatically puts you on the hook for paying for two or three dates. This is a bigger deal to some guys than others, but it’s an expense that can add up depending on what kind of dates you’re taking women on, and how many dates you’re lining up.
Waiting a few dates is also a major time-expense. There’s an opportunity cost.
For each night you take out this same woman, that’s a night you’re unable to take out a different woman. This point has more significance when considered along with our next point, which is…
If you don’t go for the kiss, how will you know if she’s actually into you?
You might be wasting your time. Many women will gladly accept a date out of boredom or to get a free meal – even if they don’t have any real interest in a guy.
She might be telling her friends, “Yeah, I’m not really into him, but going on the date beats staying home alone, and who knows, maybe some cute guy will ask for my number as I’m going to the bathroom or something.”
You’re fooling yourself if you don’t think this happens.
Here’s a headline from The Daily Mail:
“'I spent the money on other things... like a Prada bag': Woman reveals she saved $15,600 on groceries in just two years by going on SIX DATES a week and getting men to pay for her food”
Another problem – if you don’t go for the kiss, she might think you’re either gay or too afraid.
The “too afraid” part is the biggest risk, in my opinion.
Confident guys go for what they want, when they want it. If your dates with this girl are great, but you don’t try to kiss her, one of the most logical explanations in her mind is “Well, he clearly likes me because he keeps asking me out, but I guess he’s just shy.”
Most women aren’t going to find “being shy” anywhere close as attractive as “being confident.”
If you do this too long, she’ll start seeing you as just a friend. And why shouldn’t she?
Friends have a great time together without kissing, but romantic partners kiss.
Which signal are you sending?
Because of this, I’m an advocate for going for the kiss at the moment you think it’s right – not waiting.
So, let’s talk about the kiss.
Some Kiss Mechanics
First, it’s 100% your responsibility, not hers. If it’s going to happen, it’s on your shoulders.
Your confidence in going for the kiss will come from the many indicators she’s given you over the course of the evening. It would be great too if, while walking back to her car, she keeps bumping into you “accidentally.”
One of the final things to look for is whether or not you get “the lip look.”
When you’re standing at her car or wherever, after the conversation trails off, let the silence sit for a second.
Then just look from her eyes, down to her lips, then back up. Then see how she reacts.
If she looks at your lips, it’s a strong sign she’s open to being kissed.
Even if she doesn’t, if she just lingers there, that’s another sign she’s game.
Women who don’t want to be kissed are going to do their best to avoid a situation where it’s easy for the guy to try to kiss them.
That means if they sense a kiss is coming and they don’t want it, they’ll give you a fast hug then turn away, or they’ll quickly get in their car so you’re unable to lean in for the kiss.
They know what you’re trying to do, so they’ll make it difficult.
On the other hand, if the conversation trails off and she just stands there in silence? That’s a pretty solid indicator she’s open to your kiss.
So… Go for it.
One note though – be conscious about going slow.
Going too fast can give the appearance that you’re not sure that she’s going to be into it, so you’re trying to steal the kiss before she knows what’s going on.
Avoid that.
Yes, going slow and deliberate makes it obvious you’re going for the kiss – and yes, that will give her time to turn the cheek if she’s not into it.
But if you’ve been seeing positive signs all night, she’s probably going to want the kiss.
Plus, being obvious about going for it reveals your confidence that you think it’s going to happen.
Bottom line, just take the risk and go slow.
What If I Haven’t Seen Signs She Wants to Be Kissed?
If you like her and have any interest in seeing her again, go for the kiss regardless.
You’re doing this for three reasons:
One...
Always come from a place of supreme confidence, assuming that she’s into you and wanting to kiss you, even if obvious signs haven’t been there.
Some women simply won’t be as emotive as others. But, as a confident guy, if you like her, you’re going to go for it anyway because that’s what you want.
Two...
Going for the kiss prevents her from putting you in friend zone.
Romantic partners kiss. Friends hug. So, if you’re interested in her, don’t just hug her.
A hug says one of two things: “I’m afraid to try to kiss you” or “I’m not interested in you romantically; I see you as a friend.”
Her response to the first message is: “He’s afraid, he lacks the confidence I want, so friend zone.”
Her response to the second is: “He sees me as a friend, so friend zone.”
If you’re into her romantically, don’t let either of these interpretations happen. Go for the kiss.
Three...
You go for it in order to get evidence of her true interest level.
If genuine interest is there, she’ll kiss you back.
If not, and she gives you the cheek, she’s shown you what her true interest level is. This will prevent you from wasting time and money on a second date.
Remember, “what you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you’re saying.”
I have a friend who disagrees with me on this. He doesn’t try to kiss women on the first date and thinks that if you do, it’s rushing things.
But here's my perspective on this…
My friend is very handsome - the type of handsome that causes women to approach and hit on him. I've been at bars and restaurants with him plenty of times when women have approached him in the middle of our conversation, giving me little more than a polite smile before showering him with attention.
So, this guy gives off a great first impression, and most of the women he was taking out were totally into him on that first date. In other words, their level of interest was nearly never in doubt – 99% of them were interested.
For most guys, though, it’s not going to be that easy. At least, it’s not for me.
We’re not all Hollywood-handsome who can just bank on the fact she’s going to be attracted. So, we need more information in order to protect our time, money, and mental energy.
That’s what going for the kiss gives us.
And don’t worry, she won’t be offended if you try and she’s not ready.
As long as you’re respectful about it, and gracious if she shoots you down, your attempt won’t be counted against you.
What Happens If You Go for the Kiss and She Gives You the Cheek?
There are two general answers.
It’s not always black-and-white, so let’s talk through a couple hypotheticals.
The first is when you go for it, she sees it coming, turns her head, then doesn’t give you a reason for the cheek.
If this happens, it sucks, but I suggest you don’t ask her out again.
She rejected your kiss and made no effort to provide you a reason why.
What are her actions revealing about her interest level?
The second situation is when she gives you the cheek yet offsets it with some display of genuine interest.
For example, I once had a first date where the woman gave me the cheek, but immediately said something like, “Don’t misinterpret that. I really had a great time and would love to see you again.”
That sent a very different message than had she blown off my kiss and said “Well, thanks for a fun night.”
Because she’d been so specific about wanting to see me again, I asked her out again. The kiss came on the second date.
Another time I got the cheek, the woman said “Sorry, that’s just a little fast for me, but I hope I’ll see you again.”
Again, that’s a very different message than blowing off my kiss and saying “Thanks for the drinks!” as she races toward her Uber.
A quick third example…
It was the end of the night, and we were outside the bar.
The conversation had just trailed off so I was about to lean in and go for it. Before I could, she gave me a quick hug and goodbye, then went for her car.
Not a great sign.
The difference was she had given me a lot of arm-touches and indicators of interest on the date itself.
And she began texting me frequently starting later that same night, and again the next day.
Given all those signs, I asked her on a second date and we ended up kissing that night.
The point is that action is what matters, not words.
So, if she rejects your kiss (which reveals low interest) and she doesn’t do or say anything that offsets her display of low interest, don’t ask her out again.
You have to be honest with yourself about what her actions are revealing about her real interest level.
To see how this might play out, let’s say you went for the kiss but got the cheek.
Let’s assume the girl was on the fence about you. And in that moment when you tried to kiss her, she just wasn’t feeling you.
Well, when you don’t call her for a second date, it could start making her wonder…
“Hmmm… He tried to kiss me, so he likes me. But he hasn’t called.
He really wasn’t that bad. I mean, I was on the fence about him. Maybe I do want to go out with him again.
When is he going call?”
So, when you don’t call, you increase the odds of her ego getting involved, and she might reach out to you. But that won’t happen if you get rejected and then keep pursuing her.
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