Knowing how to approach women and spark initial interest is critically important. After all, you have to be able to meet women before anything else can happen.
But too many guys focus exclusively on “pick up” and first-night skills.
And so, what happens is a guy might end up learning how to enjoy a great first night or two with a woman (which can be wonderful), but that’s where things end.
The problem is at some point that will get old. I’m telling you this as an older guy who knows from experience, it gets old.
At some point, it’s very likely that you’re going to want to take things further with a specific woman you meet.
It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to marry her, but you’re going to want her to remain in your life for longer than a few nights, so you can relate to her on a deeper level.
But that requires a different skill set than the one you used to meet her in the bar, or out on the street.
And lots of guys have challenges here. I certainly did.
Some of your first-night skills will still apply as you keep dating her, but if that’s all you know, and if your goal is something more serious, then those skills are horribly incomplete.
That’s because there is a long distance between “the night you meet her” and the point at which she’s so into you that she asks to be exclusive.
And that distance is what I call the Minefield.
It’s basically from Date 2, up through whenever she brings up exclusivity – not you. And that usually happens around the end of the second month if things go well.
So, let’s start with a broad overview of what happens during this period and the bad behavior that tends to get guys ghosted or friend-zoned.
The cynic would call The Minefield “a two-month battle over who can pretend to need the other person less.”
While that’s a tad extreme, it’s at least rooted in some degree of truth.
In the Minefield, you and the woman are getting to know each other, discovering the extent of your chemistry and compatibility, and feeling out your attraction level.
If each party’s interest and attraction grow at roughly the same pace, great – the romance can develop naturally.
But what often happens is that one party’s interest/attraction vastly outpaces that of the other person.
This manifests as one person calling or texting too much… over-pursuing… being too expressive of their attraction for the other person… asking for assurances from the other person of their attraction… jealousy… irrational hurt that turns to anger when the other person doesn’t meet expectations...
These actions can end up making the other person walk away. That’s because from the recipient’s perspective, these actions feel needy and smothering. It’s too much, too soon.
Remember attraction isn’t a choice – none of us can “decide” to be more attracted to someone. It’s a biological process beyond our cerebral control.
So, when we feel pressured by someone to like them more, that person is making a demand the other may simply be unable to meet.
They’re basically saying “Hurry up! Your natural speed of attraction-development isn’t fast enough. It’s making me feel frustrated and scared.”
And when we start feeling their frustration and underlying insecurity, we instinctively pull away.
We do this for two reasons…
One, we don’t want to be the cause of someone’s hurt.
Two, we don’t want to deal with the discomfort they’re making us feel.
Bottom line: You can’t rush her feelings. You need to give her the time and space for her feelings to develop on her clock – not yours.
So, if you realize that your feelings are far more developed than hers, you must camouflage them so that she doesn’t become aware of it.
With all this in mind, your main job while in the Minefield is to make her feel completely free, putting zero pressure on her to give you more than she wants to give.
If she wants to be a cat and ignore you for a few days, great, let her do it.
If she wants to cuddle up beside you, showering you with warmth and affection, great, let her do it.
If she wants to do (insert anything), great, let her do it.
You’re going to make no demands on her either way (other than she treats you with respect, which we’ll discuss).
So, How Do You Make Her Feel Totally Free?
By monitoring her interest level, which you can tell by looking at her actions, then you have your interest level appear just the slightest bit below hers, based on your actions.
Think of it as “mirror minus one.”
In other words, “mirror” her actions “minus one degree of interest/effort.”
So, she takes an hour to text you back? You take two hours.
She cancels a date? You don't make a big deal of it, but then you focus on taking out another girl (or girls) instead and let her feel your absence for a longer stretch of days than usual.
(Remember, we pursue that which retreats from us, and the best way to get someone's attention is by removing your own attention from them.)
She acts a little aloof on a date? You take your cue from her and act just the slightest bit more aloof.
When you do "mirror minus one" effectively, you’re never asking for more than she’s wanting to give. She’s setting the pace. She’s totally free, progressing at the right speed for her.
This way, you'll never smother her, and she'll always have the feeling that she's slightly pursuing you.
Now, this sounds easy in theory, yet there’s a big problem…
In the Minefield, You’re at High Risk of Acting Like an Idiot
When you first met this woman, you felt attraction for her, but it was mild attraction. After all, she was a complete stranger.
Given this, your emotions weren’t fully engaged. This absence of strong emotion enabled you to be your better self around her – calm, somewhat indifferent, not all that into her. She was attracted to your emotional ambivalence.
But after a few dates in, things changed, and you changed.
As a microwave, your attraction level for this woman skyrocketed from 10 to 100 in a couple dates.
As an oven, she didn’t move at this speed, and now you don’t like it.
You’re anxious for her to show the same attraction that you’re feeling. And you’re nervous she may be interested in other guys.
So, at times, you’re feeling impatient, needy, and even a bit out of control emotionally. You’re at risk of losing your objectivity.
And if that happens in a moment of weakness, and you act on these emotions, you blow yourself up.
See if you can relate to the following.
You had a great date with her a few days ago. You’re now trying to wait a few more days before calling her for another date.
You’re hoping she’ll text you first, but so far, she’s silent.
She’s on your mind a lot – the way she looked the other night, the way she laughed, the kiss.
You decide to check her social media, and that’s when you see it…
A new a photo of her and some friends at a bar – but she’s standing next to a guy with her arm around him.
What the hell? This was taken last night? Who is this guy?
Your primary emotion is now fear.
You’re afraid of losing her to this guy.
You’re drifting off your emotional center, beginning to spiral downward.
A voice in your head begins advising you: “Send her a text, just to get a feel for where she’s at.”
It seems logical enough. After all, you’re not asking her out again. It’s just one text – how much harm could it do?
What you’re really doing is trying to alleviate the uncertainty you feel.
You’re looking for some sign from her that she likes you as much as you like her. But this would not be acting like a centered, strong guy.
In fact, you’re trying to remove your uncertainty in the same way a woman would try to remove hers when you treat her with indifference.
So, actually, you’re now acting more like a woman than a man.
You text her: “What are you up to tonight?”
Three hours later, she hasn’t responded. But she has posted another photo, so you know she’s online. She’s ignoring you.
What the hell? Why wouldn’t she text back? What does this mean? By the time you go to bed, still silence.
With your text, you’ve now become the pursuer.
Your increased fear is feeding your desire to know where you stand.
You’ve moved even further from your strong, masculine center.
You’re continuing to spiral downward – fear, leading to bad behavior, leading to her lowered attraction and silence, leading to more fear.
The next day around lunch, she finally texts back: “Hey! Sorry, I didn’t get back to you yesterday. Crazy busy. What are you doing?”
Because you’re not centered, you immediately text back before your better judgement can stop you.
“Nothing, just hanging out. What’d you end up doing last night?”
She waited almost 24 hours to text you back – you couldn’t even wait 24 seconds.
You re-read your text and realize it sounds like you’re prying for information, which, of course, you are.
So, before she can even reply to your first text, you send her another one trying to soften things: “Doing anything fun today?”
Her perspective: First, she noticed your instant response time in replying to her.
Second, you’ve told her you’re doing “nothing, just hanging out.” The message is “this guy has nothing exciting going on and is totally available to me.”
Third, she noticed your prying and subtle jealousy in asking what she did last night.
Fourth, she noticed your double text before she even had time to respond to your first.
Put it all together, and she feels you pursuing her.
Your interest level is obviously far ahead of hers. And in the two-month battle of who can pretend to need the other person less, you’ve now suffered a major defeat.
It’s not long before behavior like that ends in her friend-zoning or ghosting you.
So, how do we avoid this?
The Four Guidelines to Navigating The Minefield
When we get into the Minefield and our emotions flare up, we lose objectivity.
Things get cloudy and murky. We make excuses for bad behavior. We get caught in this fog of attraction. And that leads to self-defeating actions.
So, this leads to our overall guidelines for navigating the Minefield.
It’s just four things that you’ll do over and over until she brings up “the exclusivity talk” which ends the Minefield and makes you official as a couple.
The purpose of these guidelines is to prevent you from pursuing her and outpacing her level of interest.
Here we go...
1) Wait until she reaches out to you, then set up an airtight date.
2) Stay off your phone in between dates.
3) Maintain the “confident, strength, fun” paradigm on all your dates, ending them with whatever physicality is right for each of you.
4) Observe her attraction level and her effort. Always make yours appear to be slightly less than hers, so that she never feels smothered, or that her freedom is being taken away. Mirror minus one.
Let’s flesh out each one in the following modules.
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