We’ve just looked at some of the most common ways guys mess up in their relationships. Yet, all too often, we slip into this bad behavior anyway.
So, what can be helpful is covering some warning signs that things are deteriorating in the relationship.
Often, these signs are easier to spot than our own bad behavior.
Pattern Breaks
As identified in our discussion of the Minefield, one of the biggest signs to look for is a pattern break.
Let’s say you get into a pattern where, when you show up at your girlfriend’s place, she always puts down whatever she’s been doing and greets you with a kiss. As weeks passed, it dawns on you that those greetings aren’t always happening. Then they start becoming the exception, not the rule. Something is up.
It’s sometimes hard to catch her signals.
In this case, the lack of a kiss-greeting is easily explainable. Oh, she was busy folding her laundry (even though this never stopped her in the past).
That’s why it’s important to be intentional about paying attention to her actions.
Is she showing up the same way she has in the past?
Don’t explain away any behavior.
What’s the reality? Is she still showing the same excitement to be with you as before? Is she being as affectionate? Are you still having the same quantity and quality of sex? Does she still grab for your hand as you’re walking together? Is she reaching out to you as much in between dates? Is the tone of her texts still as warm, or/or complimentary?
When you notice a pattern-break, stop, and look objectively at how you’ve been showing up.
Compare it to the Minefield Guidelines. If you’ve been slipping, course-correct immediately.
But here’s an important note on this…
Do not draw attention to how you’ve been slipping up by apologizing for it or referencing it.
All that will do is magnify the issue in her own mind.
Plus, actions speak louder than words anyway.
Don’t say anything about it, just change your actions.
Plan the date immediately, give the compliment now, pay her more focused attention as soon as you get home; whatever it is, take the action at once.
She Says She Needs Space
Going on autopilot and doing too little in your relationship isn’t the only way guys screw up. There’s the opposite – being too needy and smothering her.
Remember, she’s supposed to be a wonderful complement to your life, not the center of it.
Unfortunately, as time passes, lots of guys turn the woman into their center.
Often, she’ll be able to feel this, and for many women, it will feel smothering.
The typical response is to pull away, which makes the guy scared of losing her, which makes him try to cling to her with even greater intensity, which makes her even more smothered.
As we covered in the Minefield, when she feels this way, the typical red flag will be something about how busy she is. Work is going to be crazy, or she just has a lot going on.
It doesn’t really matter her stated reason; the effect is what’s significant – you’re too “in-her-face.”
Your response is to pull back.
Create the distance for her to miss you, so that she can eventually return to you on her terms. When you keep pursuing her after sensing her pulling away, you’re just chasing the cat – trying to force it to curl up in your lap by force. But given a cat’s nature, force won’t work.
Instead, stop all forward movement toward her.
Refocus on your masculine purpose, friends, and hobbies. Ease off until she’s ready to come back to you.
She Starts Going on “Girls Nights Outs”
Be incredibly careful about Girls Nights Out. They’re dangerous.
Let’s make sure we don’t misunderstand…
Your woman hanging out with her friends over dinner… or going to one of their homes to drink a glass of wine and watch a show… or catching up with the girls at lunch…all fine. Be supportive.
But when a “Girls Night Out” means getting dolled up and going to a bar or a club, you have to ask yourself, what’s the point?
It’s not “catching up with her friends.”
That could be done at a home or a restaurant.
Women dress up and go to bars/clubs for one reason – they want the attention and validation of men.
I’m not saying she’s going to cheat on you if she suddenly starts going on Girls Nights Out, but from a probability perspective, she’s certainly closer to cheating on you than she is if she wasn’t going to a bar setting where men would be hitting on her.
The real underlying dynamic here is “why is she wanting outside validation from other men?”
Have you been neglecting your responsibility to give her this validation in your relationship? Or is she getting restless in an unhealthy way despite your validation?
Only you can answer that. Either way, Girls Nights Out are not a good sign.
She Doesn’t Give as Much as You Do
Lots of guys of I’ve spoken with over the years express a similar frustration – “she doesn’t give as much as I do.”
No one likes feeling that they’re the only one making the extra effort. The challenge is identifying whether this effort imbalance is a red flag warning sign or a walk-away sign.
To help distinguish between the two, let’s say that, years ago, your woman was great at putting forth the effort. You felt she matched your care and consideration, but over time it stopped.
At least in this situation, you know that she’s capable of the kind of giving you want. Because of this, the effort imbalance is a red flag warning sign.
It’s possible that you’re doing something that’s diminishing her attraction for you, resulting in her reduced effort.
However, if you can’t recall ever experiencing her giving you the type of care and consideration that you want, you have to face the possibility that she’s simply unable to provide it.
Maybe it’s not in her DNA. You might have overlooked this reality earlier in your relationship when you were infatuated with her.
Years ago, a friend was in a relationship where he felt he was always going out of his way for his girlfriend, but she never reciprocated.
They talked about it, and she claimed she was putting in as much effort as was he. Still, as the weeks passed, he continued to feel he was contributing far more.
He described it as “It’s like I’m a full glass of water, I’m pouring out everything into our relationship – the entire glass. But it seems like she’s only pouring out half of her glass.”
As I listened to him talk about what he wanted from her versus what she gave, I came to a different conclusion.
To me, it sounded as though maybe she was giving him all that she could, but that her best simply didn’t match what my friend needed.
So, I asked him “What if she is pouring out her entire glass? But what if her glass is simply much smaller than yours? Even though she’s pouring out everything she has, that amount just isn’t enough to give you everything you need.”
It made sense to him.
She wasn’t intentionally holding back. She just didn’t have the ability to show the same affection and consideration that he wanted.
Given this, the effort imbalance wasn’t a red flag warning sign, it was a walk-away sign.
They just weren’t compatible.
He made the hard choice to end it. There was pain for him in that choice, but it was less pain than he would have experienced had he stayed in the relationship, spending years with a woman who always left him wanting more than she could give.
So, if you’re feeling this today, where does your woman fall? Do you remember times when she gave you what you needed? Or has she never done so?
Other Red Flag Comments
“Work is going to be crazy for a while” isn’t the only red flag comment you may hear. There are some other ones to look out for.
Praising Another Guy
It could be a new guy at work who’s just so funny. Or maybe it’s her friend’s new boyfriend, who is always planning awesome, fun dates. Or maybe it’s a random guy on the street who was just such a gentleman when he stood out in the rain to hold open the door for her.
Watch out – she’s trying to get your attention.
There’s always a new coworker, a friend’s new boyfriend, or gentleman on the street. But when you’re showing up in the relationship correctly, doing your part, these guys aren’t significant.
Your woman might notice them, but what they’re doing doesn’t carry tremendous significance, because you’re taking care of her emotionally, physically, and so on.
However, when you’re screwing up, it makes these guys look interesting to her. She notices what they’re doing, and realizes you’re not doing it.
So, when she starts dropping these little stories, pay attention.
The new guy at work is really funny?
You’re not keeping things as fun anymore.
The friend’s new boyfriend plans great dates?
You no longer do so.
The gentleman in the rain holding the door open?
You’re not making her feel special anymore.
She’s subtly telling you where you’re messing up. Hear what she’s really saying, then fix your behavior.
Where Do You See Yourself?
She finds your masculine purpose incredibly attractive. Watching you work at it, day-in-day-out, does it for her. She wants to see this striving from you.
So, when she senses you don’t have this purpose, she’s going to wonder and ask you about it.
“So, what do you really want to do with your life?” “What are your dreams and goals?” “What do you see yourself doing in five or ten years?”
These types of questions generally mean “I’m not sensing you have your life fully-together, and I don’t see the drive and motivation in you that I hope is there. Does it exist?”
Unfortunately, this isn’t the type of issue that’s an instant fix. But it’s critical that you address this.
The overall quality of your life and happiness depends on it.
Remember, you’ll find your purpose in your passion. She doesn’t want to be your purpose – she wants to be your support as you go out each day pursuing your purpose.
The Main Reason Why These “Red Flag” Situations Develop
At the top of this module, I wrote:
So, when you notice (these red flag warning signs), take a hard look at your recent behavior – can you identify where you might be acting in a self-defeating way? If so, take corrective action immediately.
Let’s dig a little deeper into this self-defeating behavior.
You see, at this point, we’ve just looked at the behavior itself – not the cause of the behavior. But if we can correct the cause itself, the bad behavior should stop, right?
So, why do guys begin slipping into bad behavior in the first place?
I’m going to save this answer for the full course. But we dive into the details at this point, and then go into an Assignment that will really help you if you’re feeling your girlfriend/wife begin to slip away from you.
If you’ve noticed a pattern break in your relationship, the time to take action to fix it is NOW. These things can deteriorate fast. Click here to switch over to the full course.
And if you’re having relationship issues and think one-on-one consulting with me would help, click here to learn more.
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