You approached her… made her feel comfortable… charmed her… teased her… created attraction… established a fun, crackling sexual undercurrent… asked her good questions that tapped her emotions… asked her qualifying questions that she answered in such a way that shows her interest in you is growing…
What now?
Let’s talk about four ways to wrap up this conversation:
- Kissing her
- Going on an instant date (could be day or night)
- Getting her number
- Planning a date for an upcoming day
Let’s look at each.
Kissing Her – Don’t Make the Mistake of Waiting
Many guys are programmed to equate “kissing her” with the end of the encounter. After all, to our male, logical minds, this seems like the orderly conclusion to a chronological lead-up.
Problem is that’s your male, logical brain at work, but you’re dealing with a female.
Women are not driven by logic to the same degree as men – they’re driven by emotion.
Here’s what this means as it ties into kissing her…
If the moment is there… if it feels right… if you’re getting signals from her that she feels it too… then go for the kiss in that moment.
Don’t wait until you’re wrapping up the conversation.
We’ll talk more about the mechanics of the kiss when we get to the “First Date” module, but I bring it up now because, hopefully, you’ll be kissing her in this first conversation too.
So, for now, we’ll limit our focus to the timing of this potential kiss.
The main reason why I suggest you kiss her when the moment is there (not waiting) is because women’s feelings change – and rather fast sometimes.
So, if you have a moment with her… she’s leaning in close, laughing, touching your arm… she looks to your lips, then back up to your eyes… there’s a loaded pause in the conversation…
Kiss her…because she may not be in the same mood an hour from now.
If you wait until the end of the evening to make your move, you risk things growing stale.
You had that moment earlier, but as the evening passed, things cooled off. The conversation grew a little tired. Some hot guy walked into the bar and you noticed she’s been glancing at him.
For the last 15 minutes, she’s become quieter and now seems tired. She’s giving out the vibe that all she wants is to slip into her comfy sweatpants at home and watch Netflix with her dog.
Is this a good set-up to go for a kiss?
Nope.
Basically, you missed your best window of opportunity.
So, stop waiting. When the moment is there, take it.
Another reason not to wait…
You have no clue when her friends might appear out of nowhere, and say “Sorry, we have to steal her. We’re all leaving now!”
And before you even have time to ask for her number, they’re gone.
A last reason to go for it?
Because that’s what confident guys do.
That’s the outward manifestation of acting true to how you’re feeling in the moment. It’s being unapologetically strong and masculine.
So, if positive signs are there, don’t wait.
If she’s giving you signals that she’s interested and the moment presents itself, go for the kiss.
More on “how” in our module on the “First Date.” For now, let’s pivot to going on an instant date.
Heading Off on An Instant Date
An Instant Date is exactly what it sounds like.
You and the woman are having such a good time that you decide to head off somewhere else.
If it’s a daytime approach, it could be coffee, a café, or a glass of wine.
If it’s at night, it could be a different bar, a late-night pizza spot, or your place – whatever. That’s for the two of you to decide.
Either way, you help yourself in successfully making an Instant Date if earlier in your conversation, you’ve given some reason for the Instant Date to feel reasonable and like a logical extension of your time together.
For instance, imagine that at some point earlier in your conversation, you had said:
“You haven’t been to the XZY Bar?” (Or “ABC Coffee Shop” if it’s a daytime approach) “Oh, it’s great, you got to check it out.”
Or…
“Wait, you’re a bourbon fan but you’ve never tried Pappy Van Winkle? It’s the best. I actually bought a bottle yesterday.”
If there’s good chemistry between the two of you, a comment like this provides a reasonable excuse for you to call-back to it later in your encounter and use it as the reason for an Instant Date.
“Okay, I’m going to make an executive decision for us. We’re going to XYZ Bar right now cause it’s awesome and you need to see it.” (Playfully) “Just promise me you won’t order a Fireball shot or I’ll have to pretend not to know you.”
Or…
“I still can’t believe you haven’t tried Pappy. You know what? Let’s go. You’re coming over for one glass.” (Playfully) “But don’t get any ideas – I’m kicking you to the curb as soon as we’re done.”
As always, don’t get hung up on exactly what to say. Remember, the “how” is more important than the “what.”
Four notes before we move on:
Why Do You Need This Reason?
Why not just say “Let’s get out of here”?
Because by giving her a reason to leave with you other than, for example, “let’s go back to my place” you’re removing a burden from her shoulders.
Many women are scared to get physical with a guy too soon for fear of being labeled “promiscuous.”
So, this “reason to leave” gives her a valid reason to spend more time you with that doesn’t carry a negative judgement against her character.
As she might tell her friends later, she wasn’t planning on going home with you. You two had just gone to check out a different bar and things escalated.
Or, sure, she had agreed to go to your apartment, but only because that’s where the bottle of Pappy Van Winkle was. Neither of you had planned on what happened next but the chemistry was there and it felt natural.
Even though, in the back of her mind, she’s well aware that your reason for leaving might eventually lead to your place, it gives her a permission to leave with you that society won’t judge negatively.
Don’t underestimate the value of this.
Using This Reason Makes Things Feel Spontaneous
In any upcoming section, we’re going to discuss women’s nature. In short, you might think of them as cats.
Cats do what they want, when they want. They typically don’t like being tied down or clutched too tightly (unless they’re in the mood for it).
Bottom line: You can’t force things with a woman. And often, the more you try, the worse the result.
If a woman believes that you, as a guy she’s just met, has an agenda for her, and for your afternoon/evening with her, it will likely scare her off.
It just feels forced. It’s too planned out and she feels locked in.
She wants to be swept off her feet in a spontaneous, “it just felt right so it happened” sequence of events.
So, when you bring up this reason to head to a different venue, just mention it the first time. Don’t suggest that you two actually go there in that moment.
Then, X minutes later, after your connection has been building, that’s when you can make the suggestion and it will feel “spur of the moment” spontaneous.
Her inner “cat” is less likely to feel pinned down.
One last note: If you’re on the dating apps, you’ve likely seen that an incredibly common phrase that women use in their profiles is “always up for an adventure.”
This “instant date,” when done the right way, is such an adventure. Just make it seems fun, exciting, and most of all, spontaneous.
Did You Catch the Qualifications in Our Examples?
In the examples I just used, the basic idea was “okay, we’re going to do XYZ, but…”
It’s a qualification.
We’ve talked about qualifiers. They’re helpful here too. They’re helpful almost everywhere.
Think about it…
If you’re asking a woman to go somewhere else with you, you’re pursuing her. But as you know, the dynamic that will help increase her is when she pursues you.
So, by throwing in this little “but” or “challenge” qualification, it enables her to be a part of the pursuit.
That’s because when you throw in the “but,” the implication is “I can say ‘no’ to you as well. Therefore, you have to do something for me.”
And this creates just a little bit of psychological space between you and her, which gives her room to pursue you.
In other words, when she complies with your little hurdle – “No, I won’t order a Fireball shot…” “No, I’m not going to get any ideas back at your place…” - it’s a subtle form of her saying “I meet your required criteria.”
This is a form of her pursuing you.
By accepting your conditional offer, she’s implicitly making herself eligible and “qualified” to join you.
Suggest the Instant Date with Confidence and Boldness
In our examples above, the phrasing of the Instant Date invitation was rather strong.
“Okay, I’m going to make an executive decision for us. We’re going to XYZ Bar…”
And…
“I still can’t believe you haven’t tried Pappy. You know what? Let’s go. You’re coming over for one glass.”
Notice that you didn’t ask her in a weak “nice guy” manner.
The Nice Guy: “I know it’s late and I want to be respectful if you have an early morning tomorrow. But would you like to come over and try the Pappy? It’s okay if you say no.”
Ugh.
Does that sound strong, masculine, and assertive to you?
Of course not.
That’s why this phrasing will likely get the plan shot down.
Women want a strong guy. And, importantly, they want a guy who frees them of having to make decisions.
You saying “we’re going” doesn’t ask her to make the decision. She simply says “okay.” And obviously, if she doesn’t want to come, she’ll say “no, thanks.”
But if she’s on the fence, your powerful assertation of what’s going to happen will go over 1,000,000-times better than a weak-willed question.
She wants to be led by a strong man. So, be a strong man and lead her!
Bottom line: Want that Instant Date?
Then tell her it’s going to happen (in a confident yet fun tone). Don’t ask her.
Getting Her Phone Number
Next up, we have ended the conversation by getting her number.
First, continuing with our topic of “strength” above, don’t actually “ask” for her number, in the sense of a nervous guy timidly saying, “May I please have your number?”
As a confident guy, here’s your underlying assumption…
“Well, of course, she’s going to want me to have her number. She likes me. Therefore, I’m not going to ask like there would be uncertainty. I’m just going to go through the formality of getting it.”
With this mindset, getting her phone number looks more like you simply pulling out your phone and handing it to her as you say something to the effect of, “You’re fun. I want to see you again. What’s your number?”
Notice how there wasn’t a weak, uncertain “request” there.
When a woman likes you, and you go for her number in this manner, she should give it to you without much pushback.
But what if there is some pushback?
First, always start from a strong place. With a confident, strong, fun mindset, you’re going to interpret any hesitation as simply being another little game she wants you to pass.
Let’s say you ask her for her number and she basically says “I don’t think so. I don’t give my number away that easily.”
Don’t fight it or push harder. That would be weak response.
Instead, do what the improv guys do, which is “yes, and…”
If you’ve ever taken an improv class, you know that the basic tenant is you always go with the premise, but then you one-up it – that leads to the term “yes, and” which is part of improv 101.
So, in this case, she’s told you “No, she doesn’t give her number away easily.”
Rather than fight it, use “yes and” ...
You could look relieved, and say something along the lines of “Thank God. Even as I was asking you, I knew it was a bad idea. We really dodged a bullet there.”
You’d say this all with a smile. As with all teasing, she must realize you’re joking.
But do you see how that’s a “yes and” response?
“Yes” we shouldn’t exchange numbers… “And” we really dodged a bullet there.
So, what then?
Hang in the conversation a bit longer, keeping your focus on fun. Don’t push for the number right away.
What you’re doing is looking for a high-point moment – usually some shared laughter. That will give you the opportunity to say something like “Okay, you’re actually pretty fun. I guess I’m willing to gamble on you after all. Let’s have that number.”
If her earlier hesitation was a test, you’ll likely get the number at this point.
If not, I would try one final, straight-forward attempt.
Reason being, you guys could have been joking around/teasing so much that she’s simply enjoying the banter and hasn’t caught on how you genuinely want the number at this point.
So, if she turns you down a second time, immediately address her a bit more directly, making it clear you’re not joking– something like “so, look, I have to run right now but we should do this again. What’s your number?”
If she’s into you, you’ll get the number. But if it’s more waffling or hesitation, just politely excuse yourself. Her attraction level just isn’t high enough.
If that happens, don’t walk away with any anger or visible frustration – that would be weak. It would be obvious that she moved you away from your place of strength.
Instead, tell her you enjoyed chatting with her, then bail. That’s it.
If she does want you to have her number, she’ll come after you to make sure you have it. If not, she won’t.
You’ll be fine either way.
A couple details to keep in mind:
First, as with going for a kiss, the best time to ask for her number will be when you guys are having a little “moment.”
That’s usually right after a laugh or the discovery of some shared commonality that feels bonding.
There’s no reason you have to wait until the end of the encounter if you’re feeling a genuine connection with her.
Second, avoid asking for her number directly in front of her friends.
Remember earlier, when we discussed the various social pressure a woman feels?
In this case, she might feel judged by her friends if she gives you her number too soon or too easily.
To avoid putting her in that position, simply be mindful of when/how you get her number.
The more people watching, the greater the pressure on her, the higher the likelihood she may not give it to you, even if she would have in a more private setting.
If you’re talking to both her and a friend, and they’re about to leave, you can try to get your woman alone by turning to her friend and saying “I’m going to return her in just one sec. That okay?”
Odds are, the friend won’t care. Doing this also shows the friend respect and consideration.
So, after the friend agrees, just lead the girl you like a few steps away where there’s a bit more privacy and get the number.
With the new number, tell her you’re calling her right then so she has your number, then do it.
You could also text her something funny/silly: “This is your incredibly charming and handsome future ex-husband, Fred.”
Or “Who’s that really handsome guy you’re standing next to?” (You’re referring to yourself.)
Unlike what some guys think, you’re not doing this to see if she gave you her real number. You’re going to assume she did.
You want to be sure she has your number so that she can call you if she wants. We’ll get into those details more soon.
But first, let’s go to the final way to end the encounter – setting a date for an upcoming day.
The Specifics of Setting an “Airtight” Date
The final way we’ll discuss that your encounter might end is by you planning a date for an upcoming day.
If this happens, it is critical that you make the date “airtight.”
Here’s why…
One of the most common (yet avoidable) mistakes guys make is being vague when setting up dates.
The problem is that vagueness leaves enough gray area for women to flake out – or truly misunderstand.
These vague dates sound like this from the woman:
“Drinks sounds fun. But why don’t we just touch base next Thursday when I know my schedule better and we’ll take it from there?”
Or…
“I don’t know exactly when I’ll be off work. So, why don’t you check in with me around 5:00 and we’ll see.”
Or…
“Yeah, Saturday could work. If I get done in time, I’ll meet you at The Tap Room, okay?”
Would you consider any of those “dates” as begin 100% certain to happen? I’d put my money on every single one flaking.
When it comes to setting a date, the more vagueness you allow, the greater the chance your date won’t happen.
The easy fix? Don’t be vague.
To make your date airtight, you need three things:
- A definite place
- A definite day/time
- Her definite confirmation that she’ll meet you there
The first two are easy, and as the man, it’s up to you to decide them.
Let’s meet at The Tap Room on Saturday at eight o’clock.
Zero ambiguity.
The last bit is what so many guys neglect to accomplish, and this failure ends up biting them.
The idea is simple: Establish a clear understanding with the woman that you’re going to meet at the appointed place on the appointed day/time, and get her confirmation she’ll be there.
The purpose of this is to eliminate any potential for her to flake and blame it on the excuse of no definite plan.
“Sorry, but I wasn’t sure that we ever really had anything totally set up.”
When I’m texting, an airtight date looks like: “So, Wednesday at 8:00 at The Tap Room it is. That work for you? We’re confirmed?”
Until she responds with some form of a “yes, we’re confirmed” you do not have an airtight date. And if you do not have an airtight date, whether or not she actually shows up for your date is a wildcard.
Now, the unfortunate reality is getting that such a confirmed date can be harder than expected.
Many times, women intentionally want ambiguity, because they’re waiting to see what their other date options turn out to be.
Don’t kid yourself, if you’re dealing with an attractive woman, odds are she has at least five-to-10 other guys (if not more) pursuing her – yes, right now, even as you’re reading this.
So, in the early stages of dating, she might not want to commit to a Saturday night with you until she sees what other date-offers she gets. This explains why she might respond to your date invite with vagueness or waffling.
We’ll get into how to respond to this waffling in an upcoming section (the short answer from you will be “no thanks”).
For now, just make note of what goes into securing an “airtight” date, and make sure you do it from now on.
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NOTE: At this point in the full course, there’s an assignment that covers going for the kiss, planting a reason to hop to a new venue or go home with her, being bold in asking for her number, how to handle it if she waffles in giving you her number, and far more. To switch over to the full version, click here.
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