Let’s now dive deeper into some day-to-day details.
Specifically, let’s look at the most common ways guys mess up their relationships. Knowing this ahead of time will help you sidestep these problems.
A quick note – as I mentioned at the beginning of this course, some of this content may feel second-nature to various readers.
To others, it won’t, or it will have been forgotten. Regardless of whether it’s a refresher or brand new for you, I encourage you to read it thoughtfully. After all, there’s nothing new when it comes to the dynamics between men and women; there’s only how well you understand the time-worn principles and implement them.
Avoiding the #1 Way Guys Mess Up
As a masculine guy with an “achievement” orientation, you were girded for battle during the Minefield.
You were on a quest to win her, putting forth your best effort, romancing her, being attentive, taking her out, and so on.
But when all of that worked, and she brought up exclusivity, most guys experience a change in mindset.
“I did it. I won her. I can relax now.”
Picture the sprinter at the Olympics who wins the race by a nose. All of his straining and effort instantly dissolves as he falls on the track and just lies there on his back, gasping and relaxing in joy.
That’s what a lot of guys do in the months after things become official.
Most times it’s not a conscious shift – it’s less perceptible. But the idea is that the guy feels that since the woman is “won” he can now take it easy.
And this is what begins to kill a relationship.
Here’s what it can look like:
- Fun dinners out at new restaurants all around town slowly becomes the same, easy pizza spot in your neighborhood.
- Thoughtful dates to unique destinations turn into nights at home, watching Netflix.
- Lively, interesting “her” focused conversations on dates turns into quieter, less-enthusiastic talk that focuses on errands and the details of life.
- Surprise weekend trips no longer happen, or occur less frequently.
- The little gifts or acts of service you used to surprise her with don’t happen as often.
Bottom line: The appreciation you feel for her due to her “newness” in your life fades away as she becomes familiar, and you start taking her for granted.
This leads to the number-one-way guys mess up: No longer putting forth the effort.
The Minefield was dangerous, but you knew it was dangerous so you made the effort. The relationship itself can be more dangerous because too many guys don’t enter it realizing that they have to continue putting their best foot forward.
The reality is that even though she’s your girlfriend now, you must continue treating the situation as though you’re still in the Minefield. Basically, you have to keep courting her like you’re not yet official.
Look at it from her perspective.
During the Minefield, you blew her away. You always took her out to different, cool restaurants. The conversation was interesting – you were a good listener. You planned fun, varied activities – camping one weekend, a dress-up event the next. She never quite knew what you were going to spring on her, which made her feel excited and valued.
But now, several months into the relationship, things have changed.
You stay in far more than before. When you do go out, you’ve settled into a routine of the same place, ordering the same thing. She generally knows what to expect of you now, so that sense of “what’s he going to do next?” is fading. She doesn’t feel you’re putting forth the same effort, which makes her feel she’s no longer as special.
Frankly, she’s not sure if what’s happening means she never really knew you that well to begin with, or if you’ve lost interest in her.
Either way, she’s aware that something’s different – you’re not showing up with the same effort anymore.
This makes her particularly susceptible to attention from other guys who are making her feel special, and noticed, and important.
I saw this first-hand with a woman I dated a few years ago.
We slipped into the habit of a Sunday night meal and TV. At first it was great; a fun little routine we both enjoyed. But when I started neglecting to plan other, unique outings during the rest of the week, it made our Sundays begin to feel boring to her.
One evening, she finally asked “Don’t you think we should do something besides dinner and TV one of these days?”
I realized I had dropped the ball in terms of making the effort.
Maintaining the effort so that the relationship continues to feel fresh and exciting is actually much harder than it sounds.
That’s because During the Minefield, you guys didn’t really know each other that well, so everything was new and exciting.
You got to tell all your stories and hear hers. Each date destination was “new” to you both (even if you’d been there by yourself or with other dates many times before). All that newness did much of the heavy lifting for you.
But now, several months or more into the relationship, that newness is gone.
So, maintaining this sense of freshness and excitement requires more deliberate effort.
So, what do you do?
In the full version of the course, we answer this question directly. We go through loads of examples of what to do, and how to keep things from being too stale.
This is such a common way that guys mess up fantastic relationships. Make sure you have this part of your relationship squared away.
Want more free content?
Whatever your challenge, we’ve got you covered.
And when you sign up for our mailing list, we'll send you free dating/pickup/relationship content right to your inbox. Unsubscribe anytime. Click here to visit the homepage and scroll down where you'll find our email sign-up.
NOTE: There’s a very helpful Assignment after this module that really drives this topic home. To switch over to the full version of the course, click here.
And if you’re having relationship issues and think one-on-one consulting with me would help, click here to learn more.
Comments