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Below, the reader's email is in bold, my reply is regular font.
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I’ve been hanging out with this girl for about five weeks. We're not officially a thing, but it feels like we’re getting close. I’ve stopped seeing other people and I thought she had too.
Well, she was over at my place yesterday and was showing me something on Instagram when a text from some guy popped up. In the second the message was visible before she pushed it away, I saw it read something like “Had fun with you the other night.”
After I pressed her on it, she eventually admitted she’s been seeing this other guy too. It really pissed me off because she’s been saying how great I am, and how much she likes spending time with me. Like, what the hell?
Okay, let’s pause here.
Let’s restate the facts so far without any emotion. And let’s use some logic and reality checks to help us frame the situation.
You’ve been dating a girl for five weeks and you haven’t yet had “the talk” that makes you an official boyfriend/girlfriend couple.
Given this, she can date whomever she wants.
You have no claim over her for exclusivity because she hasn’t promised it.
And though it would be nice for her to want to see only you after five weeks of dating, it’s not crazy that she’d still be open to meeting other guys.
Now, this does raise some questions for me. If you were doing everything that I teach in my course (and this girl was healthy and well-adjusted), she would likely be focused only on you by five weeks in. Maybe she wouldn’t be ready to have “the talk,” but most likely she’d at a place emotionally where she wasn’t still out there wanting to meet/date other guys.
The fact that she is still dating another guy (at least one that we know of) makes me wonder what role you’re playing in the slow development of her attraction.
The most likely answer is that you’ve been over-pursuing her, or putting her on a pedestal – both of which can be kryptonite for a woman’s attraction to a man.
Meanwhile, your impression that you’re getting close to “official” status means nothing. That’s just your projection. Clearly, if we look at her behavior – dating another guy – she doesn’t seem too close to wanting to make things exclusive and official with you.
It’s important that you recognize this and admit it to yourself.
Finally, you wrote that you’ve stopped dating other women. It sounds like you just assumed she had done the same. That's not wise.
Just because you’ve stopped dating others doesn’t mean she has (clearly, she hasn’t).
Also, pay attention to how your decision might be working against you…
Though it seems noble, respectful, or romantic to stop dating other women and focus only on her, if you’ve read any of my stuff, you know that the unfortunate side-effect of too much focus on a woman is that she feels a bit smothered and pedestalized. Translation – bad news for her attraction for you.
If you were out dating other women, their presence in your life would dilute your intense focus on this particular woman. And that would work to your advantage, making her wonder about you, increasing her interest/attraction in you.
She might be asking herself questions like…
How much does he really like me? Is he dating other women? If he is, where do I rank? What can I do to get him to focus more on me?
Now, I won’t knock you for stopping dating other women. Some guys reach a point where they do want to focus on one woman. But – and it’s a huge “but” – if you do that, you’d better be damn sure you don’t convey the message to her that you’re 100% invested in her. At least not until she has delivered that message to you first.
Clearly, that’s not how your situation has played out so far.
Now, one final word before we keep going…
Your emotions have gotten the best of you. Calm down. I’m hoping you didn’t get too worked up in front of her.
While you’re 100% entitled to feel as hurt, angry, betrayed, whatever as you want, you are not 100% entitled to spray those emotions all over her – at least, not if you want to keep her attracted to you.
There’s a night and day difference between feeling something, and acting upon those feelings.
Women love a man’s strong, calm, centeredness. They want a man who’s an emotional rock because their own emotions can be all over the place. The man’s emotional stability helps them feel safe.
Right now, your emotions seem all over the place. This makes you unsafe…and far less attractive.
So, before you have any more communication with her, you need to rein in those emotions and be prepared to show up as your calmest, strongest self.
Back to your email.
Why is she still playing the field while acting like she's into me?
I doubt she's acting. She probably is authentically “into you” – at least to some degree. But that doesn’t mean she’s not simultaneously “into” other guys.
If you rephrased that as “why is she not head-over-heels into me?” then I’d say it’s probably because you haven’t followed what’s in my courses close enough. Meaning, in one way or another, you’ve probably been too transparent in how much you like her, too early in the dating process.
It's messing with my head, and I can't stand the thought of losing her to some other dude.
On one hand, I want tell her that if she still wants to date other guys after five weeks of dating me, then screw her. I won’t tolerate that. But I don't want to sound like possessive either. And maybe she likes me more than this guy anyway. I don’t know.
What do I do? I kinda wanna give her an ultimatum. I'm seriously ticked off. Thanks.
Okay, first, I want you to give yourself some amount of time to fully feel your emotions.
You’re going to do this because we don’t want to stuff emotions away or pretend that they’re “wrong” in some way. Emotions simply are what they are. So, allow yourself to feel them.
Now, when you’re done with that, it’s time to start making some wise decisions in spite of those emotions. This is what we have to do as men.
So, what does that mean?
First things first, remember – you and her are not exclusive. She is fully entitled to date other guys right now in addition to you.
You clearly don’t like that, and I understand why. But she isn’t doing anything wrong.
And because she’s not in the wrong, think about what giving her an ultimatum would do. I’m quoting you here: “If [you] still want to date other guys after five weeks of dating me, then screw [you].
If you deliver that message, you sound like a psycho. If you deliver a watered-down, politer version of that message, you still sound like a possessive clinger who’s too eager for commitment.
Neither is a good look for you.
Plus, would it even be effective?
On one hand, she might reply, “Fine, we’re done dating because you’re going too fast for me and I’m not ready to be exclusive.” In that case, whoops, she called you’re bluff and you’re toast.
On the other hand, let’s say she stops dating other guys because of your ultimatum – but she would have preferred to keep dating around.
Well, in that case, she’s likely to feel a little resentment toward you. Not a great way to begin a relationship.
And what if she tells you that she’ll stop dating the other guy but she’s lying? In that case, you just got exclusive with a liar who’s already seeing another guy behind your back.
None of the approaches is wise or gets you closer to what you really need, which is her heightened attraction for you.
You’re pushing hard for commitment, but “attraction” always precedes “commitment.” If you push for the second before the first is developed enough, you’re done.
Your better bet by far is to settle yourself down and fall back on perhaps the greatest attraction tool you have at your disposal…
Indifference.
Indifference is a vibe that says:
“Sure, if this works out, great. But if it doesn’t, that’s also great. Frankly, what happens between us isn’t all that important, cause I’m happy with or without you.”
Women are unbelievably drawn to this “take it or leave it” attitude. It’s like catnip to them because it screams confidence and non-neediness.
Women are intrigued by this indifferent guy who lives purely for himself and his own rules. They find it sexy how he won’t make any effort to please others if it means dishonoring his personal code of conduct.
So, if you were truly indifferent, you wouldn’t be having this jealous, angry reaction. Instead, you might be…
Glad she’s dating other guys, because it means you don’t have to think twice about dating other girls.
Shrugging it off because – who cares? – you’ll probably meet someone else tonight.
Ignoring it off because you know she’s not going to find anyone better than you.
Joking around about it with her – (said to her in a confident, playful tone with a smirk) “Another dude, huh? Is he rich? Try to steal a few twenties out of his wallet on your next date so you can buy me dinner.”
On that last suggestion, how do you think she’d respond to that tease?
She’d be intrigued that you’re not jealous or bothered by the fact she’s dating other guys.
Her mind would start racing about why you’re not jealous. “Is he dating other girls?” “Does he like someone else more than me?”
She’d see you as supremely confident and unperturbable.
She’d start comparing your laid-back indifference to the other guy she’s dating, scanning his behavior for any signs of possessiveness or insecurity.
All of this is hugely beneficial to you.
So, what do you do with her dating another guy?
Nothing.
So, no ultimatums. No type of butt-hurt behavior. No passive aggressiveness. No making her feel guilty or pressured.
Be indifferent, playful, and fun so that she feels pleasurable, warm emotions in your presence. Meanwhile, go date other women.
And go back and dig deeper into the course. My hunch is you’re doing something that’s the reason why she’s still open to dating other guys after five weeks. Figure out what it is, then stop doing it.
Bottom line: Indifference makes all the difference, my friend. Start displaying it and watch everything change.
Jeff
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