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Below, the reader's email is in bold, my reply is regular font.
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I'm 21-year-old guy who's been seeing a girl I have class with. We've been on three dates. Things started well, but now I'm getting mixed signals.
On our first date, she seemed really interested—we went out for sushi and she was holding my hand and saying how different I was from other guys. She even asked me out to go to an art gallery later that week, which ended up being our second date.
So far, so good.
She's the one reaching out for your hand... she's the one suggesting new dates... she's pursuing you. This is the right dynamic.
We had fun at the gallery but she wasn't as affectionate. Like, when I grabbed her hand, she held it for a second, but then let it go. She kind of played in off like she wanted to go look at a painting, but when I tried again later, she didn't hold my hand long then either.
Let's pause here.
Before you grabbed her hand the first time, had she been giving you any signs that she wanted you to touch her?
For example, had there been lots of eye contact? Or was she playing with her hair while you talked? Was she laughing at your jokes? Touching your arm? Bumping into you as you walked around the gallery? Teasing you in a flirty way? Smiling a lot?
Did you see any of those signs, or did you just grab her hand based purely on your desire to hold her hand?
If you weren't getting any invitation signals from her, then trying to hold her hand wasn't a good call. In fact, we're certain it wasn't a good call because you tried again later and she pulled her hand away.
What this tells me is you weren't paying attention to her and whether she was sending you any invitation signals - which, she wasn't.
You might be confused because it sounds like she had been sending you these signals on your first date, but that date is long since over. And that means whatever feelings she had for you that night could be long since over too. Women's feelings can change in an instant, let alone over a few days in between dates.
So, just because she was into you on your first date doesn't necessarily carry over to the second date. You have to be very aware of her signals, and it sounds like you weren't.
Now, if we were having a 1x1 consulting session, I'd ask you a handful of questions...
Did you go for the kiss at the end of Date 1?
How long did you wait before texting her after your first date?
How did the length/tone of your texts compare with the length/tone of hers?
How quickly did she respond? How quickly did you reply?
Did you guys text/talk a lot in between Date 1 and Date 2?
All of this would be an attempt to sniff out whether you over-pursued her, gave away your mystery, and let her know you were super into her. All of these actions are attraction killers and could help explain why she went from hot on date #1 to colder on date #2.
Now, to be fair, maybe you weren't the problem. Maybe there's just another guy in the picture. Perhaps an ex-boyfriend swooped back in. Or maybe that hot dude from her biochem class finally asked her out. I don't know.
But what's clear is that her attraction/interest level for you fell significantly.
I texted her the next day to set up our third date. She didn't reply until the next day, but she agreed.
Texting her the very next day wasn't in your best interest. The fact that you did that makes me think you haven't gone through the Free Course. If not, you need to do that asap.
Texting that quickly conveys too much and interest, removes your mystery, and doesn't give her the gift of your silence, which makes her wonder about you, giving her emotions the space to develop romantically.
Also, she waited an entire day to reply? What does that tell you about her interest level in you?
Women who are really excited about seeing a guy don't wait this long. Or if they do, there's usually a good explanation along with an apology. Did you get either?
The day before the date, she cancelled, saying she had forgotten about a project she had and was going to be stuck at the library all night. But she did sound genuinely apologetic.
I'm sorry, my friend. This is a classic blow-off.
Now, it's possible she forgot about a project, but even if that's the case, there's a huge missing ingredient here...
An effort on her behalf to reschedule your date.
When a real date obstacle forces a cancellation, women who really want to be with you suggest a specific, new night. Or they make it clear they want you to reschedule a specific night. Women who aren't that interested bail and make no reference to getting together again.
And as to that "genuinely apologetic" tone, it means nothing without actions behind it. In this case, those actions would have been taking the lead on rescheduling the date. Without that, the apology is just her way of trying to prevent you from getting mad.
But then when I ran into her at class, she was really flirty with me. She touched my arm a lot and said we should get together again.
I don't know how to interpret this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Her being flirty with you and touching your arm are good signs. However, they run so contradictory to her prior behavior that they feel questionable. Perhaps you were being used as a target of flirtation to get another guy interested who was in the area at the time? Maybe she was just in a good mood?
We don't know - BUT - let's give her the benefit of the doubt. What this means is I suggest you ask her out one more time. Make it open-ended ("which night are you free to get together?")
If she doesn't give you a clear answer that leads to an airtight date, never call her again for any reason.
If she makes the date with you, make it airtight (see the Free Course). Then stay off your phone until that date. Give her space.
Then, on the date, ask her quality questions that get her to do 80% of the talking, be charming, don't give away too much about yourself, and go for the kiss at the end of the night - even if you're nervous or aren't sure how she'll respond.
All of this stuff I go into with way more detail in the Free Course. I encourage you to check it out fast.
Feel free to reach back out if/when the situation progresses.
Jeff
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