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I’ve been married for almost nine years. She’s a wonderful woman and mother, but our sex life has all but disappeared.
Her waning interest began after our first kid was born. As the frequency of our sex began falling, I brought it up. From her perspective, she said she wasn’t trying to deprive me, but she was always exhausted and never felt in the mood.
I think she felt my frustration so she tried to give me a little more for a month or two, but then it just dried up completely.
At this point, I can count on one hand how many times we have sex in a year. And even when we have it, it’s the most basic, passionless sex ever. I know it’s pathetic, but all my efforts to talk about it with her have failed, so I’ve just settled into this sexless reality.
But I’m becoming frustrated in a different way now. I just reached a milestone birthday and it’s got me thinking a lot. I don’t want to go the rest of my life without sex. I also don’t want to end my marriage.
If you have idea, please help me out.
Man, I feel your pain. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
Though it won’t really help, you’re hardly alone. I read about a survey done back in 2019 asking couples about their sex lives. One in 10 hadn’t had sex in multiple years.
One in five couples said they had sex only two to three times a year. And about one-fourth reported sex once a month.
Not great stats.
Now, I’m going to assume it’s not some medical issue your wife is having. If she hasn’t looked into that, at least consider it.
There’s can be many physical reasons behind her lack of interest: long-term postpartum depression, physical consequences of traumatic childbirths, or hormonal changes, like lower estrogen or increased prolactin. So, check that out because I won’t discuss that in detail here. I’ll assume the problem is more relational.
Before we talk about how to try to fix this, let’s start with how so many couples get to this point. After all, this doesn’t just affect marriages – many long-term couples who aren’t married suffer the same issue.
We’ll start with sex itself…
One of the most important roles that sex plays in a relationship is that of a “glue.” It fosters emotional bonding between two partners.
Oxytocin, which is released during sex, is a bonding chemical. It’s been called the “love hormone” or the “cuddle chemical.”
Now, think about what happens in the beginning days of a relationship just after you’ve started having sex – you’re having it all the time, right?
To be fair, part of the reason behind this is novelty. Exploring a new partner is often thrilling. I won’t discount that.
But behind this “tons of sex” period is something else that’s usually subconscious, or at least we don’t think of it in the way I’m about to describe it…
The relationship is still flimsy.
In those early weeks of dating, sure, you and your new lover like each other, but you’re not certain that this fledgling relationship is going to work out. After all, with how dating works for most people these days, you’re probably having sex long before you’ve had any discussion of exclusivity or monogamy.
And so, a huge part of what sex does in this early stage of a relationship is bond the two the two new lovers. It offers some stability to a couple who, at some level, are feeling a little insecure about the durability of their vulnerable relationship.
So, when one partner begins to feel doubtful about the solidity of the relationship, what happens? Well, you’ll often see that partner want to reinforce the connection, making them feel better about its strength.
And they do this by – you guessed it – initiating sex.
There are countless stories that illustrate this. Say, a guy and girl get together. She’s not blown away by him, so she treats him a little bit “meh.” But then, she discovers he’s dating another woman, or maybe he begins pulling away.
And what happens?
Her confidence in this fledgling relationship is shaken. Uncertainty is introduced into the situation. And suddenly, she wants him way more than before.
She then goes into the “pursuer” role to lock him down (this can happen just as often in reverse with the guy chasing the girl…but that often doesn’t end well).
What I want you to see is that sex in those early days isn’t just about pleasure, arousal, novelty, or any of that good stuff. It’s about two people who like each other… but who are unsure how strong their connection is… so they use sex as a way of emotionally solidifying their budding connection.
But what happens over the ensuing months and/or years?
The couple spends far more time together… they reveal more of themselves and become known quantities… they bond in other ways and through other experiences… their bonding may even become “official” via a marriage… and in this process, that early uncertainty disappears.
Importantly, what this means is that the need for sex as a bonding agent is no longer important.
Now, sure, one partner could cheat. But barring that, a married couple’s relationship is as “locked in” as it comes, at least from a societal/institutional level.
Notice the tradeoff…
More relationship certainty feels good and reassuring on one level – you’re not worried about losing the person anymore. This promotes trust and emotional intimacy.
However, it was that very same uncertainty in those early days of dating that led to feelings of slight insecurity about the relationship…which facilitated the urge for “more sex as” a bonding agent.
The unfortunate cruel irony from Mother Nature is that “long-term relationship security” is pretty bad for having “lots and lots of thrilling, exciting sex.” After all, from a bonding perspective, you don’t need all that sex anymore.
So, to a woman without a high sex drive, she might as well throw away that lingerie and put on the sweat pants – she’s got you. Sex has done its job. The bonding is complete. Time to watch Netflix.
To be fair, the desire for sex doesn’t exclusively come from uncertainty. There’s love, passion, and respect, among other such drivers.
But most guys, if they really examined themselves, would likely report that the type of sex that comes from love/respect/etc. is not as passionate, urgent, and carnal as the sex that comes at the beginning of a relationship when the need for bonding plays a greater role.
Now, the problem here is that for most guys, sex is a drive they’re born with. Meanwhile, for most women, sex is a mood that tends to come and go with different intensities due to myriad factors.
To be clear, I am not saying that women don’t love sex. Neither am I saying that some women don’t want sex way more than some men.
What I am saying is that – on average – men want sex more than women because, as a drive, it’s more hardwired into our operating systems than it is for women. For women, sex can be fantastic and a pleasurable, desired activity, but it usually doesn’t carry the same sense of “I must have it!” as it does for so many men.
So, with all this as our background, let’s now transition toward you…
You’re in marriage. You didn’t give me a ton of details, but it seems to be with a lovely woman who enjoyed sex (or at least, seemed to) at an earlier point in the relationship. But over time, her desire for it has declined to this “dead bedroom” status.
There can be tons of reasons for this, and some you can’t really do anything about. For example, novelty…
Obviously, when you’ve had sex with your partner literally thousands of times over the years, your familiarity with her body (and her with yours) prevents the same excitement that you enjoyed when your exposure to it was new. Not much you can do about that.
So, let’s focus on what we can control, and that brings us back to this idea of bonding.
Now, let me digress a moment.
If you’re like most men, then as the years in your relationship have progressed, you’ve liked lost a bit of yourself.
The friends that you used to hang out with before you met your wife? You likely don’t see them as much anymore.
The hobbies you used to enjoy – say, golf? Now you spend a fraction of the time playing compared to years ago.
How about the gym? Do you still go?
What about some basic time for just yourself? Whether you’re taking a quiet walk… reading a spy thriller… enjoying a TV show… going to a baseball game… working on the old fixer-upper in the garage… whatever it is, do you make any time for yourself?
If you do, I’d guess it’s still way less time than before you were married.
And what has replaced all this time?
Well, in one form or another…your wife.
You’re together talking about bills… together watching TV… together discussing how to punish your son… together at your daughter’s dance recital… together when you wake… together when you go to sleep… You get the idea.
And what happens during all this togetherness?
Well, she sees you looking awful in the morning… she sees you sitting on the can… she sees you when you lose your cool and don’t act as your best self… she sees you picking your nose… she smells your dirty socks… Again, you get the idea.
Too much togetherness and familiarity are kryptonite to passionate sex. They just don’t go to together.
There’s a reason why there are popular time-worn phrases such as: “familiarity breeds contempt” and “the secret to a happy married is not being at home much.”
So, how do we fix this?
Well, I’ll start with telling you what NOT to do – and this is what you tried…
In your words, “all your efforts to talk about it with her.”
Clear communication is 100% vital to a healthy relationship. But when it comes to a woman who has lost her sex drive, using logic, reason, and negotiating tactics to try to get more sex won’t work.
At best, it will work briefly but then won’t result in a permanent, sustained change. At worst, it will annoy the ever-living crap out of her and make her even more defiant in not having sex with you.
So, stop trying to change her mind. Instead, change her mood. In other words, we have to target her emotions.
And how do we do this?
Well, it starts with you refocusing on YOU – the man you were before you got married who had his own interests, hobbies, and passions. (And if you were a strong leader back then, that would be great too.)
Here’s the progression we want based on this new self-focus:
Your new priority of carving out some time for “just you” will have the natural effect of moving you outside your wife’s day-to-day orbit…
The time/space outside your wife’s orbit will create some physical and emotional distance. This enables slight uncertainty and questioning to creep back into the back of her mind, as well as her awareness of your absence…
(It would be great for your wife to miss you, and she can’t miss you unless you actually leave) …
The slight uncertainty and (hopefully) new feeling of missing you will stoke her curiosity about what you’re doing, why, and where your new behavior is coming from…
These emotions/questions will blossom into interest, and even slight anxiety about where all this might be taking you, and what it means for your in-a-rut relationship…
This new interest, questioning, and slight insecurity results in her wanting to re-strengthen her emotional bond with you…
And what’s a surefire way to bond with your partner when you’re feeling slightly insecure?
You guessed it.
See how we’ve come full circle here?
Now, let’s be clear about two things: One, you need to be very careful she doesn’t think you’re having an affair and; two, when you’re with her, you need to make sure it’s quality time.
On the first point, your new behavior will be a pattern break in your wife’s eyes.
Now, we want this – a pattern break is the whole point. But we want to avoid a misinterpretation where your wife is convinced you’re having an affair. After all, if she begins to believe this, it introduces the potential for all sorts of negative, unintended fallout.
So, some questioning about what you’re up to and why is good. But too much questioning and misunderstanding might be disastrous.
On the second point, hopefully, your new “me time” behaviors/activities are going to get you out of her orbit in a new, major way. That means you’ll be spending significantly less time with her.
In order to prevent this from being a negative for your relationship, when you are together, you need to make that quality time in which you authentically connect with her.
Doing this successfully begins with basic stuff like turning the TV off and actually having a face-to-face, interested conversation (without scrolling on your phone your half the time).
But it’s way more than that…
Odds are you’re no longer making your wife feel heard and understand quite like you did years ago.
Your interest in her as a woman, lover, and fascinating person has become buried beneath your family’s need to view her as a chauffer for kids, a shopper for groceries, and a partner for you in navigating life’s demands.
Change this.
You want her to be your lover again?
Make her feel like a lover. And that starts with your treating her as you would a lover.
Listen more… be interested more… ask more questions… ask different questions… ask about stuff that has nothing to do with your family schedule… flirt… tease… leave her an unexpected note… depending on your relationship, pinch her butt as you walk by… give her a moment of lingering eye contact, then a deep kiss, then continue with whatever you were doing the moment before… plan something unexpected... plan a mysterious date a week away and only tell her what you want her to wear... tell her how great her ass looks, but then make no effort to try to seduce her in that moment… re-introduce faint sexual undertones in your daily routine without actually trying for sex… make her wonder what has gotten into you.
In short, you need to reintroduce yourself as a strong, interesting man who exists independent of your wife… meanwhile, you need to introduce new (or old) behaviors that enable your wife to FEEL seen and affirmed as a person, and validated as a desirable, sexy woman.
Don’t expect changes overnight. Depending on how dead this bedroom is, it could take weeks, months, or many months. But if you want sex back in your relationship, you’ll be willing to be patient and do the work.
Let me know how it goes.
Jeff
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