To submit a question, email me at Jeff@ModernDating101.com. Please proofread it and make it as concise as possible. Do not use any personal information you don't want published here in this Q&A forum.
Due to the volume of emails I receive, I don't guarantee I'll respond. Your best bet at a reply is booking Email Coaching or better yet, booking a 1-Hour Online Consulting Session.
Below, the reader's email is in bold, my reply is regular font.
---
I've been dating my girlfriend for about six months. It's been awesome except for about the last few weeks. I've sensed her pulling away some, and we're not having sex as much as before.
Before we go any farther, in my coaching sessions with guys who are in this situation, we always start with the one thing we can control - us (meaning the guy himself).
Women who are happily in love with a man who is meeting their needs don't pull away and don't stop wanting sex. To be clear, mentally unhealthy women can do this but we're going to assume this woman is healthy.
So, if a woman's behavior has changed, we have to begin with ourselves - that's all we can control 100% anyway.
It's critical to be humble, asking where we might be contributing to the problem.
Then, assuming we find the answer, we ask a new question: How can we take responsibility for fixing the current issue?
This is what men do. We take ownership over what we've done wrong, then we take responsibility for what needs to be done right.
So, to this end, I'd recommend you begin by asking yourself some hard questions. Here are a few (not an exhaustive list):
Have you been consistently dating your girlfriend in the same way you did at the very beginning of the courtship?
Have you kept this dating process fun, interesting, and new? (Taking her on a date each week to the same restaurant followed by going home to watch Netflix then wanting sex isn't a "fun, interesting, new" date.)
Have you been making it a priority to connect with her each day, genuinely listening to her and making her feel understood through solid communication?
Have you been paying attention to how much she pursues you versus you pursuing her? Have you been over-pursuing? How likely is it that you're communicating to her through your words/actions that you're way more into her than she's into you?
Have you maintained your own life filled with friends, hobbies, and whatever it is you love to do? Or have you slowly let her become your center?
It's only if we can answer with virtually 100% certainty that we've been doing everything right that we should turn our attention to the woman and what she might be doing wrong.
So, are you doing everything right or not?
When I asked her about this, she said nothing was wrong. We had sex that night and things seemed good, but then when we were supposed to have dinner that Friday, she said she'd forgotten a birthday party with her friend, so she cancelled on me the day before.
The next day, I thought she'd come over and make it up to me, but she went to a pool party with her friends. Now, I haven't heard from her in two days.
Obviously, this girl is not prioritizing you. My hunch is that your role in this overall issue is that you've been the classic "too eager boyfriend" which means you're over-pursuing her.
This can manifest in all sorts of ways, but the overall bottom-line message you're probably sending through your actions is "I'm into you more than you're into me." When women sense this power imbalance, it kills attraction quickly.
By the way, ignore her "nothing is wrong" comment. Pay attention to her actions, not her words. If you've picked up on several weeks of colder behavior, less sex, and now she's cancelling a date and then spending the following day at a party without you, believe the behaviors - not the words.
So, in real time, I'm guessing that - yes - you have a problem here which you might be contributing to by being far more obviously into her than she is into you.
I've read some stuff online that that makes me think she's taking me for granted and that my best response is to ignore her to gain the power back and get her attention.
Do you agree this is the right move? Thanks.
Yes, I agree that she's taking you for granted, likely for the reasons we've already discussed.
No, I don't agree that ignoring her is your best move. Ignoring her is passive-aggressive and childish. Let's be men of integrity here.
Now, I do agree with the idea of removing your attention from her. But let's be very clear about the difference, because the subtleties of "ignoring" versus "removing" are night and day.
So, first, let's assume that I'm right - the root issue here is that you've over-pursued, your girlfriend is getting bored, and her attraction is fading because she knows you're into her way more than she's into you.
The real core issue becomes: "How do you reignite attraction?"
In this case, you do it by removing your attention - but in the right way.
Removing your attention by ignoring her leaves you with an undercurrent of anger and resentment toward her that she's going to pick up on in your tone when you eventually talk or text. That's going to make you look weak, needy, and butt-hurt.
Your better bet is to remove your attention by de-prioritizing her.
This means making a conscious choice not to punish her through passive-aggressive silence, but to elevate other things in your life above her so that you're simply too busy to talk/text/be together as much.
This way you're silent...but it's because you're out doing awesome, cool, interesting stuff, not because you're at home being bitter, angry, and childish.
So, maybe it's spending time on your side hustle... the gym... hanging with your buddies... that solo camping trip you've been wanting to take... school... whatever. The bottom line is that something else gets more of your time and attention while she gets less of it.
And here's the critical difference...
When you are with her, be happy to be with her. Have fun, tease her, joke, make her laugh, have great sex, whatever.
Be the same attractive, confident, fun man in her eyes that made her want you as her boyfriend in the first place. The only difference is that now, there's less of you for her to enjoy.
Notice how this is 100% different than if you were ignoring her. In that case, your brief communications would likely come across with a sulky or angry tone. You don't want that.
You want her seeing you happy... you want her enjoying her time withy you... but you want her growing increasingly frustrated that she's not getting enough of your time and attention.
When she begins making you her priority again, then you can begin doing the same to her - BUT - at a level that's just slightly below the level of effort that she's making toward you. That way, you fix the root issue that got you in this mess (over-pursuing her).
Bottom line: Don't punish her through silence. De-prioritize her through busy-ness. And then make sure you don't get yourself into this situation again.
Jeff
Comentários