To submit a question, email me at Jeff@ModernDating101.com. Please proofread it and make it as concise as possible. Do not use any personal information you don't want published here in this Q&A forum.
Due to the volume of emails I receive, I don't guarantee I'll respond. Your best bet at a reply is booking Email Coaching or better yet, booking a 1-Hour Online Consulting Session.
Below, the reader's email is in bold, my reply is regular font.
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Hey Jeff. I need your help with a problem between me and my girlfriend of about four months.
She just left on a two-week cruise with her family. I had asked her out for the Saturday before she left (the following Monday). She told me that her friend had talked about getting girls together that Saturday because this girl was having a birthday.
My girlfriend (Jess) said that she would see if this girl could move the bday get-together to Friday so that we could go out Saturday since the bday wasn't officially planned at that point.
I didn't hear any updates for a few days, I so assumed our date was on for Saturday. But on Thursday, when I told Jess where we were going for dinner, she said that her friend didn't want to do Friday and was still targeting Saturday, but plans still weren't confirmed.
I know that allowing myself to be put on the backburner while she fills in her calendar is a bad look, but I wanted to see her before she left for two weeks, so I went along with it. It turns out the birthday thing happened on Saturday, so I didn't see her that night.
We got together briefly Sunday but she had to pack so it wasn't a full date night.
I'm pissed because it feels like she put me second. I want to talk with her about this when she gets back. What's the best way to call her out for disrespecting me, without going too far?
Before we talk about this conversation you want to have with her, I need to state the obvious...
You could have avoided all this if you'd simply refused to leave plans dangling for Saturday. Why didn't you just move the date to Friday and lock it down with a definite plan?
At a minimum, when she said that she would check if they could move the bday celebration to Friday, you could have been clear about how long you'd wait to see if that plan happened. For example, you might have said that if the bday party plan didn't firm up by, say, Wednesday, then your Plan B would be (fill in the blank).
You could have even said "Okay, you go out with the girls on Saturday and I'll go out with my guy friends, but plan to come to my place at 1:00 am after the party is over so we can be together."
Anything would have been better than what you did, which was basically telling her "I'm so into you, and you're so important to me, that I'll postpone all my plans in the hope that you will grace me with your royal presence at some point, eventually."
This doesn't reflect well on you, nor does it increase her attraction for you.
Clear communication and a refusal to leave plans up in the air - as well as you putting some boundaries around what you would accept - would have prevented this.
Now, all that said, I get why you're frustrated. The reality that you weren't her top priority.
A more loving, devoted girlfriend in this situation might have said to her friend "Hey, my boyfriend wants to get together on Saturday because I'm going out of town for two weeks. Since you and I haven't made official bday plans yet, can we just make them on Friday since I can't do Saturday anymore?"
Clearly, that's not what she did. She chose to prioritize a "maybe" bday party with her friend over a "definite" date with you, her boyfriend.
Ask yourself - what does that decision reflect about her priorities and her interest level in you?
When things like this happen, you must ask yourself "how have you been showing up?"
With her interest/attraction on the lower side - which is evidenced by her actions, not words - humble, wise men always start with what they can control...themselves. This means asking where they might have been messing up, contributing to this lower attraction.
Usually, the answer is that they've been over-pursuing, but that's a topic for a different Q&A.
Now, let's finally move on to this "call her out/disrespect" conversation you want to have.
I'll begin by making a distinction between "her disrespecting one of your reasonable, clearly-defined boundaries," and "her hurting your feelings."
Establishing clear boundaries with the women in your life, and holding them accountable to the consequences of violating those boundaries, is critical.
But she didn't violate or disrespect a boundary because you never established one.
Think about it...
With the information you've provided in your email, you didn't speak up in protest when she didn't accept your Saturday date invitation...
You didn't give her a deadline as to when to figure out her plans...
You didn't tell her how you would respond if she ended up choosing this bday party instead of spending time with you...
As far as I know, in no way, shape, or form did you articulate what your expectations or needs were.
So, where is the boundary she disrespected?
If you had asked her out for Saturday, she had accepted, then she'd cancelled on you last minute to attend her friend's bday, that would be different. In that case, you would be more entitled to have a conversation about healthy relationship expectations and boundaries.
Being candid, this issue is less about "disrespect," and more about her actions revealing that she's not super into you yet, which has hurt your feelings.
That's really what's happening here. I'm knocking you - I get it. But that's the core issue.
So, what do you do about it?
Well, to begin, I encourage you to be humble and realistic. You're only four months into dating her. That's not a lot of time.
If you've been over-pursuing as I suspect, then she might not be overly invested yet... and the relationship might not be established enough yet... and the expectation of you being her top priority isn't justified enough yet... for you to make a big deal about this.
To be clear, I'm not saying your feelings aren't rationale, even a little justified, but acting on those feelings is different - and not in your best interest.
Think about it...
After just four months of dating... factoring in the less-than-lofty level of attraction she has for you which we've seen through her actions... what will be the result of you calling out her "disrespect"?
Well, you'll run the risk of sounding whiny and butt-hurt. You'll run the risk of sounding too domineering, demanding, and entitled (how dare you not be putting me first after four months?!) And you'll also run the risk of coming across as far more into her than she's into you.
Will any of that increase her attraction for you?
Not a chance.
So, don't do it.
Instead, ask yourself what you've been doing that might explain WHY she didn't put you first last Saturday. Then make appropriate behavioral changes that influence her attraction for you.
Now, if months pass, you guys get more emotionally connected, you have conversations about boundaries and expectations, and then she violates one, well, that's when you have an honest, direct conversation about it.
Email me back if/when that happens and we'll game-plan your response. For now, just learn from this one.
Bottom line: She didn't disrespect you...she's just not hooked on you yet.
Jeff
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