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Below, the reader's email is in bold, my reply is regular font.
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Hey Jeff, my girlfriend and I have dated for about three months.
The problem is that she’s not very verbally affectionate and my main love language is “words of affirmation.” She never really compliments me, or says what she likes about me, or makes me feel appreciated.
When I compliment her, or say nice things, she usually doesn’t reply. Every once in a while, she will. But usually, she just smiles or says “thanks” or something.
I’ve hinted at wanting her to give me more on this, but she doesn’t. Or it’s just a random one-off compliment.
I’m not sure what to do because on one hand, clear communication is important in a relationship, so asking her to give me more of this seems obvious.
But on the other hand, I don’t want to sound needy or whiny, which I think would make me seem less masculine, which would make her lose attraction for me.
I feel stuck, like I lose either way. What’s the answer?
You’re right – clear communication is important in a relationship. In fact, it’s critical.
Without it, your relationship doesn’t really stand a chance.
But…
“Clear communication” is far more of a need within a long-term relationship or marriage, not so much a part of the early days of dating someone new.
At three months in, you’re still in this early stage, which means clear communication isn’t always your best bet.
Let me explain my thinking. Stick with me a minute…
Your binary of “communicate clearly” or “don’t communicate in order to prevent sounding needy” contains an assumption that you’re overlooking…
It presumes that clearly articulating your need for Words of Affirmation will suddenly transform your woman into a love-spouting Romantic poet like Lord Byron.
I wouldn’t be so sure. In fact, it sounds like your efforts at hinting that you need more have gone nowhere. That’s not a good sign.
Let me digress a moment…
At three months of dating, you’re still feeling each other out.
Most guys completely miss that their #1 job in these early days of dating boils down to accurately answering one question…
Is she a good fit for me or not?
Now, answering this requires you to define “good fit.” And that means you need to know what you want.
Maybe all you want is a roll in the hay. Okay, well, that means you’re looking for a few specific qualifiers in a woman.
But if you’re looking for someone to be a long-term partner, that means you have a whole different set of qualifiers.
For instance, you’re probably looking for shared values, signs of high integrity and loyalty, common interests, alignment on family goals, similar political beliefs, views on religion, and yes – similar Love Languages and/or the ability to love in a way that’s congruent with your partner’s Love Language.
Now, let’s bring it back to you.
You’ve been seeing this woman for three months, you want more Words of Affirmation from her, and vocalizing this need is now on the table.
My friend, here’s the truth…
She’s already showing you who she is, as well as what you’re probably going to get.
In fact, it’s beyond that. What you’re seeing today is probably a more respectful, more thoughtful, kinder, more complimentary version of who she’ll become down the road.
That’s because you’re still in the honeymoon phase, when both partners are awash with bonding love chemicals that makes them want to present their best selves to their partner.
Imagine what happens in five years, when those chemicals aren’t surging through her body and she’s no longer trying to be her best self to “get you.”
Do you think she’ll be more easy or less easy to be around? More complimentary or less complimentary?
So, right now, in this early phase of the relationship in which your #1 job is to vet her as a good fit for you (I’m assuming you want a LTR), then recognize this truth…
She’s showing you who she is.
This is vital information. That’s because who she is today – before you make any demands on her to change – is the best predictor of who she’ll be tomorrow.
So, ask yourself this: If she doesn’t change at all, would who she is today be good enough for you?
The answer is huge. After all, once you ask her to act more this way or that way, how will you know that what you’re getting isn’t… “acting”?
Yes, people can change. But the greater the size of the change between “the person she is today” and “the person you want her to be tomorrow,” then the less likely that the change will be successful and sustained.
That’s because big, permanent changes often require enormous willpower and discipline.
The person either has to desire a huge personal gain to be enjoyed from changing, or they must fear a huge personal loss to be suffered from not changing.
Without such a huge desire or fear, what usually happens is someone kinda, sorta changes for a while…only eventually, to revert to who they were originally.
Now, could your girlfriend want you (or fear losing you) enough to change and become a master of “Words of Affirmation?”
Perhaps. For your sake, I hope so.
But given today’s sexual marketplace and the vast dating optionality that women enjoy, I wouldn’t put a lot of money on it.
It would be far easier for her not to change, but instead go find a new guy who doesn’t make such a demand. After all, when given the choice, most people choose the easier way through life.
Bottom line: If having a partner who excels at speaking Words of Affirmation is a “must have” for you, well, you have three months’ worth of dating that suggests one, or both, of the following:
One, she isn’t this way.
Two, she doesn’t currently like you enough to give you Words of Affirmation because it’s not her truth.
Neither is great for you.
I’m going to assume it’s not #2 (because I’m going to assume you know about not chasing her, over-pursuing, The Minefield, yada yada…).
That leaves us with #1 – her natural personality doesn’t really fit what you need from a partner.
If this is our going assumption, then the first question you need to answer is:
“Is the difference between who she is today and who you want her to be tomorrow so vast that it’s unlikely she’ll be able to change, even if you ask her?”
The answer is huge. After all, if your honest answer is “realistically, I don’t think she can make this change,” then your next step is clear…
You end the relationship lovingly and respectfully.
Then you go find a woman who says Words of Affirmation as a normal, natural part of who she is…instead of you having to drag it out of her.
But let’s say your answer is “yes, I think she can change.”
Well, then that sets up the need to have a clear communication with her. However, we do want to prevent what you already identified as a risk…
You coming across as needy or whiny, which would likely diminish your attractiveness in her eyes.
So, how do you ask for what you want in a non-needy way?
Well, at this early stage in the relationship, you do this through positive reinforcement rather than overt solicitation. Let’s make the difference clear.
Overt solicitation would be something like:
“Hey, so, my main love language is Words of Affirmation, and I feel like that’s something I’m not getting much of from you these days. Can you please try to give me more of this going forward? Thanks.”
What’s the problem with this?
Well, one, it does come across as a little needy and whiny.
Two, it sounds a slightly accusatory, like she’s coming up short in the relationship. This will probably put her on the defensive.
Your better bet is positive reinforcement. And the essence of this is “praising what’s working” rather than “attacking what’s missing.”
In your question, you wrote that “every once in a while” she’ll respond to you with a compliment. Let’s say that a few weeks ago, she called you “thoughtful and generous” after you took her on a nice date you’d planned for her.
Positive reinforcement might look like:
“Hey, real quick… Last week, you said I was ‘thoughtful and generous’ after I took you on our date. I just wanted you to know how much that meant to me.
You know, Words of Affirmation is my biggest love language, so when you say that sorta thing, it makes me feel really connected to you – and it makes me want to plan even more fun dates for us.
So, thanks for saying that. It goes a long way with me.”
Did anything there sound needy or whiny?
Did anything sound accusatory?
“No” on both counts. It sounded honest, and even strong. You weren’t complaining – you were praising.
And from her perspective, it motivates her to do more of that positive behavior because you appreciate it AND because she’ll get something out it (more fun dates).
Now, if you apply positive reinforcement over the next few months and you don’t see any real behavioral change from her, then you may need to be more direct about asking.
But if that’s the case, then I’d suggest that you might have been wrong when you decided that the difference between “the person she is today” and “the person you want her to be tomorrow” wasn’t too large.
Bottom line: I think you’ve already seen who she is, and she’s probably not the best fit for you.
However, to prove me wrong, try a few months of positive reinforcement when she exhibits the behavior you like. Praise what you want to see grow.
If that doesn’t work, write me back and we’ll discuss how to have a direct, clear communication about the issue.
Jeff
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