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I’ve been dating someone for about eight weeks now. I’ve started to notice little comments or barbs that feeling slightly disrespectful. They’re not like slams, but I notice them and they just feeling kind of “off.”
I don’t want to be a doormat and just take it, but I also don’t want to turn this into a big deal if she’s just teasing me but going a little overboard. I’m not really sure where that line is.
What do I do with this?
Well, you didn’t give me a lot to go on here in terms of details. I mean, what did she say, exactly?
In the absence of that information, I’ll answer this in a broader, more universal way while trying to bring it back to you.
So, let’s just say it clearly up front: I would not ignore little signs/manifestations of disrespect.
If left unaddressed, they can blossom into huge displays of disrespect that could make your life hell and, eventually, end the relationship.
What’s important to understand is that this progression from “little barbs” as you put it, to “your life is hell” as I put it, is a slow progression, like boiling water.
It just about always begins small. For example, maybe she’ll say:
“Really, you forgot to do XYZ?” [Eye-roll] “Jennifer’s boyfriend would never forget to do that.”
Now, if the guy just receives this and allows it, that’s a green light for more disrespectful behavior in the future. We teach people how to treat us by what we allow them to say and do to us.
To prevent this from escalating, you need to nip small, disrespectful attacks like this in the bud. If you don’t, you’re signaling that you’re okay with her saying these things without her facing any consequences. Beyond that being awful for you, it’s also awful for her. I’ll explain that in a moment.
But first, back to our hypothetical from a moment ago.
The thing about this early, mild type of disrespect is that it has natural camouflage because it’s not blatantly disrespectful. This gives the woman the ability to wiggle out of being guilty of disrespect if the guy calls her out.
For example, say the guy pushes back, like:
“That’s pretty rude. I didn’t forget to do XYZ. I just got busy with ABC, so I was going to do it tomorrow. And why are you comparing me Jennifer’s boyfriend anyway? That’s not cool.”
Because the woman’s comment was more of a covert form of disrespect, she has an easy backtrack:
“Oh, my gosh. I’m just joking. It’s not a huge deal. Tomorrow is fine. Just stop being so sensitive already. Sheesh.”
Now, comments like this from the woman leave many guys – and it sounds like you too – in a state of confusion.
They often wonder, “Wait, did she disrespect me or not?” “Is this me being overly sensitive, or would another guy feel this way too?” “Do I push back or let it slide?”
Let’s clear up the confusion.
Yes, the comment in our example was disrespectful. And how do I know?
Because of a simple little litmus test question that clears up all the confusion around this topic.
Here’s what to ask yourself…
Would the average woman, in a job that she likes and wants to keep, say the same thing to her boss if the nature of their relationship was purely business professional?
In this case, imagine our hypothetical woman saying to her hypothetical boss:
“Really, you forgot to do XYZ? [Eye roll] Jennifer’s boss would never forget to do that.”
The average woman, wanting to keep her job, serving under a boss who treats her in a business professional manner, would never – and I repeat, never – show this type of disrespect because she’d be afraid of losing her job.
As her boyfriend, do you not deserve the same amount of respect?
So, I don’t know exactly what your girlfriend said, but use this “boss” test to shed light on whether it was disrespectful.
Now, let’s assume the boss test reveals, yes, she did disrespect you.
How do you call her out without beginning a nasty fight?
The first huge “must do” is watch your tone. You don’t want to use an antagonistic, judgmental tone. Keep it neutral, bordering on optimistic.
After all, if you really care for her and the relationship, then you’re trying to solve a problem with a teammate you love, rather than attacking an adversary that you loathe.
So, how you frame this conversation in your own head will have a huge impact on your tone.
Now, with a neutral/optimistic tone, you might say something like:
“Hey can I talk to you about the other day when you said XYZ? I just want to make sure we’re understanding each other.
I’m sure I could have done something that frustrated you to the point where you said XYZ. And I’m open to hearing whatever that was and working with you on addressing it. I want you to feel that I’m hearing your side of things and that I take your needs seriously.
But I want you to know that I am not okay with being disrespected the way you did in that conversation. I felt it in both your words and your tone.
I don’t expect us to agree on everything. But I do expect us to treat each other as adults, in a courteous way, even when we don’t agree.
So, if this happens again, I’m going to walk away from our conversation until you speak with me respectfully. I don’t allow other people to talk to me like that – even more so you, who I want in my corner as my supportive girlfriend.
By the way, this works both ways. If I inadvertently speak to you with disrespect, please bring that to my attention. I always want to give you my best.
So, are we on the same page?”
Be polite yet firm (and again, watch your tone).
Now, there’s one final piece to all of this…
You HAVE to call out disrespect – and not just for your own peace.
You have to do it because if you don’t, your relationship will have a far greater likelihood of ending. This is because of one core reason...
Women cannot be in healthy, loving relationships with men they don’t respect.
They can dominate and browbeat a man they don’t respect... they can walk out on a man they don’t respect… they can cheat on a man they don’t respect... but they cannot and will not remain in a loving, mutually-beneficial relationship with a man they don’t respect.
Bottom line: A lack of respect destroys female attraction for a man.
So, if there’s any part of you that’s nervous to have this confrontation with your woman because you fear an ensuing fight, or you fear her disapproval…
Ignore that fear.
You should be far more afraid of doing nothing, allowing the disrespect to blossom, and then finding yourself in a relationship marked by contempt and overt disrespect.
Make sense?
If her comment doesn’t pass the “boss” test, call it out immediately.
Jeff
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