Okay, so let’s jump in now, first looking at your relationship from a broad perspective.
Toward the beginning of this course, we talked about masculinity and femininity. We wrote:
The truth is that feminine women are more attracted to men who show alpha, masculine traits. These traits include confidence, strength, the willingness to act despite fear, a willingness to take risks, a focus on achieving an outward goal, overcoming setbacks, a certainty of self… I could go on, but hopefully you’re getting the picture.
This doesn’t end now that you’re in a relationship.
These masculine traits are what attracted her to you; these masculine traits are what are needed to maintain her attraction.
If you summed up all of this into a single metaphor, it would be that of a rock.
It’s your job, as the strong, masculine man, to be her rock.
What does that really mean in real life?
Here’s one example.
When things go wrong, as the man, you can’t dump your problems on her. You can’t reveal the extent of your fears and concerns.
Instead, you’re always steady and measured, no matter how challenging your life circumstances.
The reason is because if you – as her rock – are showing cracks, then what is she supposed to use as her foundation?
Part of what you’re responsible for bringing into the relationship is safety and security – making her feel safe and secure (remember, woman have emotion-based operating systems, so whatever they feel has major significance).
So, if you’re telling her how scared and insecure you feel, you’re failing one of your responsibilities to her.
Of course, she’ll be able to tell when certain things are bothering you, and she’s going to want to know what’s happening in your life. You shouldn’t lie to her, claiming things are perfect.
So, what do you say when things are wrong, but you have to remain being her rock?
Give her the PG-13 version of the problem, but end with the reassurance that you’ll deal with it and all will be well.
For instance, your business could be facing a dangerous cash-flow shortage. Clients could be dropping as expenses mount. But she doesn’t need to know all that.
That would only make her fearful; and she has no ability to improve your situation anyway.
So, why would you give her all those stressful details? Instead, give her the PG-13 version and continue being her rock:
“There are some challenges at work right now that have me more stressed than usual. But it’s nothing for you to worry about. I’m going to handle it, and everything’s going to work out okay.”
If you really need to talk with someone about your fears, go to an intimate guy friend or a counselor. But don’t dump on your woman.
You’ll be betraying your responsibility to her. It’s not always easy to do, but this is at the core of what she needs you to bring to the relationship.
Being her rock isn’t limited to professional concerns like this. It applies to all facets of your life.
The bottom line is you are calm, grounded, capable, and in control of your emotions.
And here’s the extension: Your strength and sturdiness enable you to ease whatever fears she has based on her own life circumstances.
When something bad happens to her and she’s fearful, your calm, “can do” influence makes her feel better.
When you play this role successfully, something great happens – she feels comfortable enough to assume her natural role in the relationship, which is being fully feminine, and that’s her gift to you.
You see, your strength and stability make her feel secure, protected, and cared for. This gives her peace of mind, and enables her to let down her guard, moving fully into her feminine.
And that’s when she’s able to give you the soft, nurturing, supportive, playful, loving side of herself that we, as guys, find so attractive.
When she feels safe, secure, and heard, that’s when you’ll see her at her best.
The problem comes when you move away from being the rock.
For instance, let’s say you come home from work frazzled. That cash-flow-shortage hypothetical we mentioned a moment ago has you scared as hell.
So, you begin vocalizing your fears to your woman.
You’re not going to be able to make payroll. What will that mean for the business? What will that mean for your personal income? What will that mean for your ability to pay rent, take that vacation, and plan for the future?
This snowball of fear begins building and gaining momentum.
This forces her out of her feminine and into her masculine in order to solve your problem (remember, problem-solving/overcoming challenges is a masculine characteristic).
But as a feminine woman, this is not the role she wants to assume in her relationship with you.
She wants you to be strong and capable enough to handle your business issues, making her feel secure and safe.
Instead, you’ve metaphorically dumped a huge pile of crap on top of you both, then asked her to shovel the way out for you.
Get a group of guys together for beers. At some point, the conversation will likely drift toward their women and relationships, and it’s all-but-certain you’ll hear references to “bitchiness.” Well, one of the biggest causes of a woman’s bitchiness in a relationship is a man failing to be her rock.
Bitchiness is often a direct result from a guy coming up short in some way, which forces the woman into her masculine.
Given that this isn’t where she wants to be, is it any wonder why her natural reaction is to become a bit bitchy?
On the other hand, when a guy does what he says he’ll do, acts strong and steady, and carries himself with an “I’ll take care of it and you” attitude, a great deal of female bitchiness tends to disappear.
Try it for yourself and see.
So, underpinning everything else in the relationship is your responsibility to be her rock.
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Note: At this point, there’s an Assignment about what role you’ve played in your past relationships, and how to become more like the “rock” in your current and future relationships. Click here to access the full version of the course.
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