To submit a question, email me at Jeff@ModernDating101.com. Please proofread it and make it as concise as possible. Do not use any personal information you don't want published here in this Q&A forum.
Due to the volume of emails I receive, I don't guarantee I'll respond. Your best bet at a reply is booking Email Coaching or better yet, booking a 1-Hour Online Consulting Session.
Below, the reader's email is in bold, my reply is regular font.
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Hey Jeff – I’m not sure I have a question. I’m more just pissed off.
I’m on the dating apps with the women’s profiles saying that want a guy who’s kind, caring, thoughtful, loyal, fun, and all that other BS.
I’m all of those things, but they don’t choose me!!!
I don’t understand. Are women just liars? Why don’t they just say “I want the hot guy. I want the bad boy.” ???
I’m just sick of women presenting themselves as mature, sweet, and into wanting a good guy, but then actually being shallow, into hot guys/assholes, and not caring at all about nobler qualities they say they want.
I’m just fed up.
I understand your frustration. I imagine nearly all guys reading this understand and relate to it personally.
Let’s see if we can clear away some of the confusion , and alleviate some of your frustration.
Right now, you are going through a transition that an increasing number of men have experienced in recent years.
In short, it’s the jarring process of realizing that women aren’t quite how the G-rate Disney movies and the PG-13 romantic comedies would lead us to believe.
Instead, they’re humans too, with shortcomings, vanities, immaturities, and superficialities – just like men.
I think what so many guys are hurt by isn’t so much the reality that women aren’t these flawless, angelic creatures, but rather, the massive gap between what society told us they were like, and how different our lived experience has been.
And one of the biggest differences is what you named in your email – what women say that want in a guy, versus what us guys see them responding to in real life.
So, are women full of BS when they claim they want that laundry list of “nobler” qualities in a guy, like you wrote?
No.
That is their truth. Most women do want these qualities in a man.
But there’s a massive detail they’re leaving out…
They want these nobler qualities only AFTER they already find you attractive.
The easiest way to think about this is through the analogy of a job interview.
Let’s say that the employer has a series of required qualifications for an open position. Maybe the candidate must have a degree, some sort of accreditation, a certain amount of prior work experience…
Now, imagine a candidate who has all of those qualifications. In fact, say he’s overqualified. He’s a dream candidate, possessing everything the employer says they want in a candidate and more.
There’s only one problem…
He failed the pre-interview drug test.
In this case, it won’t matter that this candidate has everything the employer wants. He’s toast.
That failed drug test disqualifies him. Done and done.
And so it is with women, attractiveness, and the “nobler” qualities they say that want in a man.
The reality that so many men find harsh is that “kind, genuine, loyal, yada, yada, yada” only apply AFTER the woman finds a man attractive enough.
But let’s be fair. Men do this too.
A woman might have all sorts of fantastic qualities, but if she doesn’t meet a man’s minimum level of "girlfriend worthy" attractiveness, he’s not likely to pursue a romantic relationship with her.
However, I think what frustrates so many men is the lack of openness about this from women.
Men don’t really make a secret of the importance of physical attractiveness. But it often seems that women regularly (and intentionally) leave out this detail, and/or downplay its significance while seeming to put so much more emphasis on nobler qualities.
And so, when men realize how important attractiveness is for so many women – which is contradictory to what we’ve been led to believe – it results in massive frustration and resentment.
Now, let’s pivot to attractiveness because there's a critical point here...
I could be wrong, but it sounds like you’re a younger guy. You’re getting your first reality check about the way women/dating actually work. If so, I’d like to give you a heads-up in the hopes it will help you avoid pain and lots of wasted time.
It has to do with “meh” attraction from a woman versus “holy crap, I want you!” attraction from a woman. Clearly, you want the second kind.
But it’s not just that. You must actively avoid women who show you the first kind.
This is because women who only have lukewarm attraction for a man waste his time, money, emotional energy, confidence, and his opportunity to date other women who might offer him “holy crap, I want you!” attraction.
“Meh” women offer crumbs – just enough sustenance for the man to want to keep the relationship alive, but nowhere enough sustenance for him to thrive.
So, how do you know the difference between “meh” and “holy crap, I want you!”?
Let me digress with a quick story…
A long, long time ago, when I was a sophomore in high school, I was friends with a girl we’ll call Katy.
Katy had just begun dating a senior who took her virginity. She was open about discussing sex, so we were getting into all the details. I asked if she’d had an orgasm.
I remember she frowned, thought a moment, then said, “I think I did. I’m not sure. But, yeah, I think I had one.”
I responded with “I don’t think it works that way. I’m pretty sure that if you had one, you would know.”
About a week later, Katy ran up to me at school and said “Yep! You were right! I hadn’t had one because I DID finally have one last weekend, and – whoa – you can’t miss it when it happens!”
My friend, when a woman shows you “holy crap, I want you!” attraction, you can’t miss it when it happens. She’ll make it as obvious as the sun rising in the morning (assuming she’s healthy).
For example:
Her calendar will open up to you when you try to set dates…
She'll be warm and pleasant to be around...
She’ll cancel other plans to hang out with you…
She’ll put effort into your relationship in her own way (cooking you a dinner, giving you a backrub, cleaning your apartment, doing your laundry when she does her, etc.) …
She’ll respond to your texts/calls quickly…
She'll be excited to see/hear from you...
She’ll introduce you to her friends…
She’ll want you in her social media photos…
She’ll reach out to you often throughout the day just to connect…
She’ll be warm, complimentary, and touchy feely (not all woman, but many) …
Bottom line: She will make it obvious that she’s authentically into you.
Now, some guys will push back at this point, saying something like:
“It’s not always that clear, Jeff. For example, sometimes she'll do XYZ which is good, but then she'll do ABC which isn’t as good. It’s just not as black-and-white as you’re making it sound.”
I disagree.
When a woman has “holy crap, I want you!” attraction for a guy, it’s black-and-white.
What this hypothetical guy above is describing is a woman who’s interested in and attracted to a guy, but she doesn’t have “holy crap, I want you!” attraction.
The guy wants to believe she does, so he’s making excuses and trying to find a logical workaround, but the reality is found in her actions. They’re self-evident.
When a woman shows a guy tons of attraction one day, then a conflicting signal the next day, that’s one of two things:
A woman who likes a guy but doesn’t have “holy crap, I want you!” attraction for him.
A woman who is playing games, using push/pull as a means to try to increase his interest in her.
So, here’s your simple rule of thumb:
If you’re ever confused about how much a woman likes you, then she doesn’t have “holy crap, I want you!” attraction for you.
That’s because healthy women who are head-over-heels are transparent about their attraction.
Now, I’m not saying to stop hanging out with a woman like this (what we just described isn’t the same as “meh” attraction which you need to run from).
But I will say that your dating experience will be far, far, far, easier and more enjoyable if you reserve your time, energy, and money for women with “holy crap, I want you!” attraction.
Now, let’s turn it back to you.
You’re standing at a fork in the road, and which path you take isn't insignificant.
Will your new awareness about women and attraction cause you to become bitter, angry, and jaded at the ladies? It’s having this effect on a lot of guys these days.
Or will you accept reality for what it is, recognize that women are still wonderful creatures, then do your best to excel at the traits/behaviors that will help you attract them?
It’s very easy to become jaded. But I believe you’ll be happier, and feel more fulfilled, if you resist that path, and instead use it as fuel for motivation.
Please go through my course (free or paid) and read more on this Q&A Forum. It will remove the fog and confusion surrounding women, attraction, bad boys/nice guys, and so much more.
You'll learn what creates genuine attraction in a woman. And after you know this, and then have an abundance of choice, reserve your attention only for women who have “holy crap, I want you!” attraction.
Keep in touch, and lemme know how your progress goes.
Jeff
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