When your woman is in the middle of unleashing anger at you, she might do one of two things (or both) that tend to frustrate many guys.
Fortunately, after you grasp the real message behind her words, you’ll see it’s not that bad. This will help prevent your misunderstanding leading to your own anger, which would probably escalate the situation.
“You Always…” and “You Never…”
She’s angry, unloading on you, and whatever you do (or don’t do) is always the case…or never the case.
You always leave the toilet seat up. Or you never listen to her. You always put your friends first. You never take her out on fun evenings anymore.
As you’re listening, you want to explode because you can think of ten examples that disprove her statement.
You’re thinking she’s either crazy, has selective memory, or is just a liar. Your anger surges.
Easy. She doesn’t mean it literally. Take a breath, and let it slide.
As emotional creatures, whatever a woman is feeling in any given moment is her complete truth.
It’s a bit like a complete eclipse, where the moon totally blocks out the sun for a few minutes. Only, in this case, her primary emotion of anger is blocking out the reality that you “always” or “never” doing something isn’t accurate.
Sure, you are guilty of the offense at times, but not all the time, not every time. But again, at that moment, the eclipse is happening, so she feels that “always” or “never” is truth.
Don’t fight it, and don’t respond with your logic-orientation.
“You’re full of shit! I never take out the trash? I took out the trash three days ago during the rain, seven days ago during halftime of the game, and eleven days ago because that’s when I also took the dog out for a walk! How convenient you’re forgetting all those times!”
Your arguments are logically-sound, but they’re off the mark.
She’s not trying to have an always/never conversation. She’s simply expressing her frustration.
The reality is when her anger has subsided, she’d agree with you that you do take the trash out plenty of times. The issue is that you didn’t in this instance, and it made her feel hurt. And hurt so often turns quickly into anger.
So, if you argue back to her that she’s factually incorrect, you’re missing the point.
Don’t argue. Just listen, then realize it’s only half of the problem.
The other half is her painful feeling of emotional betrayal. This is the whole “she wants you to be a man of integrity who keeps your word” stuff.
So, this is actually easy in theory (not easy in practice when you’re also angry at her). Just understand that her absolutes are not meant to be taken literally.
She’s simply swept up in her own storm. Ignore the absolute, and address the issue itself, along with the pained emotion she’s feeling.
She Brings Up the Same Past Issues
Here’s an example…
She’s in the middle of telling you how angry she is because you left her alone at your friend’s party where she didn’t know anyone, and suddenly, she brings up that couples’ trip to the lake when you went golfing with the guys (without telling her) and left her back at the house with the other guys’ girlfriends she barely knew.
You’re sitting there thinking What the hell? Why is she bringing this up again? She’s raked me over the coals for doing that ten different times and I’ve apologized repeatedly. Why won’t she let it go?
Again, take a breath.
She’s not necessarily trying to rake you over the coals again. She’s trying to communicate her feelings.
When she brings up that old grievance, she’s trying to make the point “what you just did makes me feel the same way as when you did that old thing.”
In other words, leaving her alone had made her feel as abandoned, insignificant, and isolated, just as she felt when you ditched her at the lake to go golfing.
Recognizing this, you don’t have to defend or apologize for the lake-situation again. She’s not asking for that, so don’t get hung up on the old problem she may seem unable to let go.
Instead, recognize she’s simply trying to convey that the hurt you’ve made her feel now is the same hurt you made her feel then.
So, identify and understand her emotion, then speak to her meaningfully and sincerely about it.
Want more free content?
Whatever your challenge, we’ve got you covered.
And when you sign up for our mailing list, we'll send you free dating/pickup/relationship content right to your inbox. Unsubscribe anytime. Click here to visit the homepage and scroll down where you'll find our email sign-up.
To switch over to the main course, click here.
And if you’re having relationship issues and think one-on-one consulting with me would help, click here to learn more.
Comments