Let’s cover to important “don’ts” that too many guys accidentally “do,” which get them in relationship trouble.
Don’t Try to Solve Her Problems
Another big way guys mess up is by misunderstanding what a woman is looking for when she wants to talk about her problems.
As men with “logic” operating systems, when we hear a problem, we immediately go into problem-solving mode. Identify the problem, figure out the various options for solutions, pick the best one, then execute. Done and done.
She’s not looking for this “solution” orientation from you.
She’s smart. She’s capable of figuring it out.
Instead, what she wants is for you to listen, empathize, and potentially, help her process the situation.
If she really wants you to solve it, she’ll explicitly ask you. Never assume this is her goal.
In speaking to you about her problem, she’s really doing one of two things (or both): 1) using you as a sounding board, which enables her to sort through the problem by processing it verbally, therein coming to her own solution, or 2) using the problem as a way to bond with you, connecting over something that’s happening in her life, letting you into her world.
So, if you respond to her by cutting her off as she’s giving you the details, and try to tell her your solution, it does one of two things (or both): 1) It makes her feel unheard, because you’re not taking the time listen and be the sounding board she needs (she interprets this as “you’re not important”), and 2) It makes her feel that you aren’t interested in connecting and being a part of her world.
She also interprets this as “you’re not important.” We think we’re being helpful, but she sees it as uncaring.
So, your role when she brings up a problem is to listen thoughtfully, empathize, and occasionally ask questions that help her unravel the situation and arrive at her own solution.
- “Why did she do that?”
- “How did you feel when that happened?”
- “But what will it mean if he answers this way?”
- “How will you respond if she doesn’t do it?”
Eventually, after your questions help her analyze the issue to whatever degree she needs, she’ll arrive at her own solution, and you’ll be credited as a thoughtful boyfriend who cared.
If, while she’s speaking of a problem, you become unsure whether or not she actually wants a solution recommendation, your safest bet is to ask her.
“I can’t tell if you’re actually asking me what I would do here, or if you’d still just have me listen and help you process. Which would you like?”
She’ll tell you. But unless she says something to the effect of “I want your advice,” then don’t give it to her. Just ask questions.
Don’t Fall for Her Little Traps
You’ve probably heard the following from her…
“Do you think that woman is pretty?” or “I want you to tell me, honestly – and I swear that I won’t get mad – do I look like I’ve put on weight?” or “If you could change anything about me, what would it be?”
Landmines.
Correction – “easily-avoidable” landmines.
Never get roped into these types of conversations. You will not come out ahead, even if you’re trying to answer her honestly as she’s requested.
It’s important to understand what’s happening when you get these types of comments.
Simply put, she’s feeling insecure and needs your reassurance.
What she’s needing to hear is validation that she’s special, and you find her beautiful, sexy, intelligent, and so on.
The right way to do this is by avoiding her dangerous question and reframing it in the way you want. Politicians do this all the time.
Reporter: “Senator, you’ve campaigned on a platform of gun control, but our records show you received a $10 million donation from the National Rifle Association. Don’t you think that’s inconsistent?”
Senator: “I don’t think my campaign donors are important at all to the direction of our nation. What is important is how we’re failing our children by saying we want the best for their futures, but then not giving our public-school system the funding it needs to do the job. This is an injustice, and our kids deserve better!”
You’re sitting there watching, and before you even have time to get pissed at the politician for skirting the donor issue, you’re nodding your head in agreement. “We do need better schools!”
Don’t answer her landmine question. Answer the question you want to address.
Her: “Do you think that woman’s pretty?”
You: “I think the more interesting question is why you look so pretty tonight. I think it’s the dress; the way it’s catching your eyes, and the way your hair is falling over your forehead. It looks really sexy.”
Or…
You: “Sure, but she doesn’t even come close to being as gorgeous as you are. In fact, I’m suddenly feeling the urge to drag you into the coat-closet right now while no one’s looking.”
But this brings up a logical question…
What if her landmine question makes a point? What if she does need to drop a few pounds or whatever?
If this is the case, you need to praise her efforts toward solving the problem, rather than joining her in the shaming of the problem. It’s a subtle-but-critical distinction.
For example, if she’s trying to lose weight, that means you praise her acknowledged efforts to hit the gym, eat right, be disciplined, and so on. Be sure you praise only what she tells you she’s doing or going to do.
Never announce what you think she should do.
At the same time, what you don’t do is verify her insecurity by agreeing with her about the nature of the problem (“yes, your weight-gain is noticeable”).
She might be shaming herself, which tricks you into thinking it’s okay for you to follow suit. It’s not okay.
She can do it – you can’t, unless you want to deal with her wrath.
Here's the reality: The qualities of your woman that you focus on most will expand, so choose your focus wisely. Use praise to draw out the characteristics you want more of.
Compare the following two approaches and take a wild stab at which one will be better for your relationship.
Approach 1: “Okay, if you really want me to be completely honest – it’s a turn-on when I see you all sweaty and hot after you come home from the gym. It makes me want to rip your clothes off.”
Approach 2: “Okay, if you really want me to be completely honest – yes, I can tell you’ve put on some weight. You just have to eat a little better and exercise more.”
How do you think she’ll respond to both comments above? Which one do you believe will result in her actually getting into the gym?
Don’t Fail to Keep Your Word
She asked you to shovel the snow off the driveway by dinner. You said you would. But then (insert reason she won’t find reasonable), and it’s not done.
This is a far bigger deal than many guys believe.
Our take on this is “it’s just snow. I can shovel it tomorrow.”
But to her, it’s often a much larger issue – namely, her ability to trust you.
For a woman, trust is huge. It ties into the roles each of you play in your relationship.
Remember, you’re the rock. You’re sturdy, unchanging, strong. When you slip up on your promises to her too many times, it erodes how she views your trustworthiness and reliability.
She begins losing confidence that there’s strength in your word and your identity.
A very bad result for you, because it’s this strength that women find so attractive when it’s present.
So, when she begins doubting your strength/integrity, she’ll do one of two things: pull away in order to protect herself (you’re no longer the man she thought you were), or she’ll throw more tests at you to see if you’ll pass them in order to put her mind at ease (which most guys interpret as “her being bitchy”).
You obviously don’t want either of these outcomes.
Fortunately, the solution is easy enough – do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it.
If you’re not certain you’ll be able to get something done, don’t promise it.
The old adage of “under-promise and over-deliver” is the way to go here. Her trust in what you say is critically important, so protect it as best you can.
Don’t Assume You Know What She’s Thinking – Ask Her
She’s not a mind-reader, so tell her what you need if you’re not getting it. Don’t expect her to know.
Now, that’s pretty obvious (though most guys don’t do it well). What’s less obvious, but can be critically-important, is asking her to communicate clearly with you, rather than assuming you know what she’s thinking/feeling.
We all make up stories in our head.
For instance, one morning your girlfriend seems cold and distant, and leaves for working without saying goodbye.
Without knowing what’s really going on, your mind instantly goes into analysis mode, trying to come up with answer – she’s mad at me for this, she’s pissed at me about that.
What if the reality was that she was stressed about a huge presentation at work (which she told you about, but you’d forgotten to factor into your analyses)?
Stop guessing at what’s happening in these situations. Just ask. Communicate.
To be clear, I do not endorse asking your woman for clarification every time there’s some tiny, ticky-tack uncertainty.
That would be weak and annoying.
Uncertainty of feelings and anxiety as to whether someone is mad at you are not signs of strength.
Avoid that.
The clarification I’m referencing is for those times when you truly need to understand her mindset, or else it has the potential to damage the relationship.
In those cases, stop guessing at her perspective – just ask her. Clear communication can head off tons of problems.
Don’t Stop Putting in the Time to Truly Listen to Her and Make Her Feel Understood
This is big. In fact, I think it's the #2 biggest reason how guys mess up their relationships behind no longer putting forth the effort.
Now, I get it, you're busy. But, most likely, she connects with you through talking. That's how a great many women are wired.
So, when you stop taking the time to sit down with her and ask her basic questions about her day, what happened, how she's feeling, "and then what happened?" type questions, it makes her feel that you don't care.
The solution for this is simple: Make it a practice to take the time to sit down, truly listen, and ask questions that give her the space to talk.
As we covered earlier, you're not there to fix her problems. Think of yourself more as a moderator...
Really?... And then what happened?... How did you feel when she said that?... What was going through your mind when that happened?"
You get the idea. You're just there to ask questions that help pull the words, ideas, and feelings out of her. That's it.
When you do this, she feels heard, validated, understood, and cared for.
This works in your favor because when you do this, she'll feel closer to you, more connected, and more likely to want to enjoy some bedroom fun with you. Your unwillingness to do this makes her feel cut-off from you, which often gets you cut-off from the bedroom.
(To be clear, you're connecting with her because you love her, but the bedroom fun is a nice perk.)
As I write earlier, beyond "no longer dating their woman," this is the second biggest reason why relationships break down (when it's the guy's fault). He simply stops taking the time to listen, ask questions, and make his woman feel understand and valued.
Make this a habit and you'll be astonished at how it brings intimacy back into your relationship.
In the full version of the course, we go over three more major mistakes that guys make in relationships. They’re not complicated, or all too difficult to fix, but most guys just mindlessly do them – and it really hurts the quality of their relationships.
To access them in the full version of the course (and the Assignment that comes after this section), click here.
And if you’re having relationship issues and think one-on-one consulting with me would help, click here to learn more.
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