Up to this point, we’ve discussed misunderstandings between you and your girlfriend in which the default response has been “take the high road, don’t argue, understand, forgive” and so on.
(Up to a point. That ends when she truly disrespects you and/or pushes beyond clearly marked boundaries.)
I stand by that as a generality. Understanding, acceptance, apologizing, forgiveness, and having the strength to avoid having to be right are foundational to a happy, strong relationship.
However, there will be times when this approach won’t be appropriate.
The challenge is in knowing the difference.
To me, the dividing line is when taking it on the chin would mean betraying your integrity, masculine purpose, or true identity.
When these situations occur, they often stem from a common dynamic: the woman wanting to change the man.
The reality is countless women like a project. They are attracted to the idea of a great guy who has just a few rough edges. In her mind, she believes that she’s the one woman who can get through to him, smooth those edges, and turn him into the perfect all-around man.
A fun quote I heard somewhere maintains that: “Men marry women with the hope they’ll never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably, both are severely disappointed.”
The analogy that comes to mind is that of a fixer-upper house
There’s a big difference between a fixer-upper project that could benefit from a new coat of paint and some polish, versus a project where the new owner believes the foundation is cracked, and the footprint of the home so flawed that it requires a complete re-do.
If a project requires a total start-over, why even buy that home? Why not find a home with the desired foundation, then make some cosmetic changes?
A common situation is for a relationship to begin wonderfully, yet, over time, the woman begins expressing frustration with various qualities about the guy.
The problem is that often these qualities are ones he has always exhibited, yet earlier in their relationship, the woman never seemed to have a problem with them. All too often, these issues relate to who the guy is at his core. Changing them would mean changing the guy’s true self.
As the woman begins a campaign to change the qualities about him, she doesn’t like, the guy feels betrayed. After all, he hasn’t changed. He was the same guy she allegedly fell in love with months earlier – so why are these qualities an issue now when they weren’t a few months ago?
This tends to lead the guy to feel major resentment.
In situations like this, when the attempted changes are at odds with the core nature of who you are, putting your foot down, and politely remaining true to yourself is the right thing to do – even if it ends the relationship.
Hopefully it won’t come to that, but it’s the reality.
To try to avoid a breakup, sit down with your girlfriend and clearly identify the exact nature of the issues. Then give yourself ample time to think about and feel through each of the issues.
Take your time, and do not rush. Speak with one or more trusted friends if doing so seems right.
Next, if you determine that these issues truly are foundational to who you are, and you don’t want to change them, express that gently with 100% clarity.
If she’s able to accept that reality and let go of her efforts to change you, great.
However, if these issues are fundamentally contrary to what she needs in her ideal man, then the unfortunate reality is that you guys have come upon a deal-breaker.
You’re better off parting ways.
Wait – but what about working things out? What about doing the hard work and not giving up when times get hard?
I’m all for that.
And even in the best of relationships, there may be challenging times that require you to press on, forgive, and let go, even when it will be the last thing you want to do.
But to clarify my point, let’s return to our housing analogy.
She buys a fixer-upper – you. Putting on a new coat of paint? Easy.
Putting in a new vanity in the bathroom? Some work, but okay.
Completely knocking down a load-bearing wall, and building out a new wing of the house? That’s a hell of a lot of work, and with it comes lots of pain. But if you’re committed to her, then that’s when you stay faithful, do the hard work, and make it happen.
But when she wants to change the entire foundation – when the basic floorplan just isn’t adequate to support her desired changes – this means, practically speaking, that she’d be better off razing the structure and starting from scratch, and that’s when you walk away.
It doesn’t matter if this happens a week into the relationship or a year...
If she’s trying to change your core self and won’t back down after you two have a clear understanding that this is who you are and you don’t want to change, you must walk away to preserve yourself.
If you do this, it will bring pain but a lesser pain than you would know if you remain with her.
What’s the alternative?
You try to change for her but doing so makes you unhappy because you’re trying to change the essence of who you are. She’s unhappy because you aren’t changing enough.
You’re both living in that painful in-between.
Despite the sharp pain the breakup will cause, a breakup is better than spending months, years, or a lifetime with the dull-yet-unyielding pain of resentment and/or loss of self.
You Have to Be Willing to Walk Away
Too many guys get themselves into relationship-hell by getting angry at their woman, making some sort of threat about “I’ll leave you,” or even the milder "don't do that," but then caving in and not acting on that threat when push comes to shove.
All that the caving in does is teach the woman that this guy is not a man of strength, and that she can push him around because there aren’t major consequences.
Sure, he might be mad for a bit, but as to real consequences? Nope. He’s not going anywhere. She now calls the shots.
You cannot be this guy. There must be real consequences.
When a woman truly oversteps, in effect “breaking” something in your relationship, you must walk away.
That is your ultimate trump card.
The possibility of you walking away – if she pushes too much – must underscore any friction with your woman.
You have to use this because your identity as a strong man demands it.
If you set a boundary a year ago that she just crashed through unapologetically, and now you’re allowing this transgression and remaining in the relationship, you’re not longer that strong man.
You’ve now given her control of the relationship. And that means one or both of two things is headed your way…
One, she’s going to be unhappy.
Why? Because she pushed you around in the relationship and she doesn't want this!
She wants you to be the leader. She wants your strength. She might push to get her way, but she feels safer and respects you far more when you stand up to her, call her out, and demand she respect the boundaries you clearly identified.
Two, the relationship is on its way out.
Women won’t stay with a guy they don’t respect (or they’ll stay as long as they’re benefiting from the guy’s financial resources).
If you’re caving on your boundaries, she’s losing respect for you. And when the respect begins to crumble, that means the future of the relationship is in trouble.
And that brings us to the final point on relationships…
Want more free content?
Whatever your challenge, we’ve got you covered.
And when you sign up for our mailing list, we'll send you free dating/pickup/relationship content right to your inbox. Unsubscribe anytime. Click here to visit the homepage and scroll down where you'll find our email sign-up.
To switch over to the main course, click here.
And if you’re having relationship issues and think one-on-one consulting with me would help, click here to learn more.
Comentarios