In the full version of the course, we have an enormous section on navigating dating apps.
We go over everything: first, why you may not even want to be on them... if you do, how to optimize your profile... initial messages that get good responses... banter that leads to dates... how to read her responses to tell you exactly what her interest level is and when to ask her out... how to avoid flakes... and then an entire bonus section filled with screenshots from my own dating app conversations.
Frankly, it’s too much for this free version of the course, so I’m going to include only a few parts of it here.
Let’s begin with a reality you already know instinctively...
If you’re really good looking, the dating apps are great. You don’t have to do much work at all to meet women.
But if you’re just an average guy – not even unattractive, but average – then the dating apps can be incredibly frustrating and require tons of time and effort without a lot of payoff.
So, if you’re an average guy, how do you stand out in your texts when she’s also being texted by a handful of super-attractive guys?
Banter.
To clarify, it’s relatively brief banter, and then if her interest level (as evidenced by her actions) warrants it, get to the point and take it to the next level.
So, for “banter,” think playful, teasing, witty remarks (without bantering for too long, mind you).
And while it’s important as an undercurrent for all your texting on the apps, it’s especially important in your first message to her.
Women love banter. It engages their emotions, it makes them laugh, it leads to them associating you with warm feelings, and it leads to dates.
The challenge is that teaching banter is tough. That’s because there isn’t an established set of banter lines that a guy can memorize, and that’s that.
Banter is always contextual. So, the best I can do is teach frameworks. It’s up to you to practice and improve.
Adding Banter to Your Messaging
Banter begins with noticing something about her profile photos or written content.
You need to be a careful observer. And then you want to try to twist something you observe into humor.
One of the best ways to do this is through a misinterpretation of what’s actually happening.
For instance, I matched with a woman once who had a photo of herself at the beach.
She was drinking a daquiri as some young kid – looked to be about 9 – was asleep in the sand right beside her. An empty daquiri glass was in between her and him.
So, what’s really happening here?
Well, she’s probably on a family beach day.
The kid is likely her nephew. She’s enjoying a daquiri, and the empty glass next to the sleeping kid is the one she drank earlier.
Now, if you wanted to playfully misinterpret this, what else could be happening?
Well, what if that 9-year-old was actually her date?
And what if the empty daquiri glass had been what the kid was drinking?
Sounds absurd, right?
It is – but absurdity is at the heart of banter.
It’s a humorous misinterpretation that obviously isn’t true – but the details make it appear like it’s a possible outcome.
So, my initial banter text to this woman was:
“Impressive that you can drink your 9-year date under the table. How about picking on someone your own size?”
I could have also made a comment about her winning a drinking contest… or the kid’s alcohol poisoning… or her boring the child into a coma…
It could be whatever, as long as it was a playful misinterpretation.
Let’s change the hypothetical…
What if she had a photo of her kissing some little old man on the cheek?
Well, odds are, it would be her grandad.
But what might it be if you misunderstood?
As before, it could be her date. So, maybe your opener is like…
“Wow, someone has gotten aggressive with the upper age-limit of their Tinder matches.”
It’s just a silly misinterpretation.
How to Improve at Banter
So, to help you with this, let’s borrow from the framework we used when we discussed Indirect Openers – the 5 W’s. Who, what, when, where, why.
So, check out her photos and bio, and as you do, be asking yourself, who, what, when, where, why – and as an extension, how could you misinterpret it?
For example, who’s the other girl in the photo with her – is it her friend? Or is it actually her boyfriend’s ex?
If it was the ex, how would that change whatever is happening in the photo? What humorous comment could you make?
Or, pick “why?” from the 5Ws.
Why is she on that bicycle? Is she just enjoying a beach ride on vacation as is most likely happening?
Or is she actually furiously trying to escape cops?
Questions to ask yourself as you’re trying to find a banter line are…
“What could she be doing in this photo to explain what we’re looking at, other than what it obviously is?”
Or…
“What’s the opposite of what is clearly going on?”
For example, say, she’s at a pool party in Vegas wearing the skimpiest bikini ever while shot-gunning a beer.
The boring guy says “Wow, you guys look crazy!”
The guy who knows how to banter, who knows how to misinterpret, will look for the opposite…
“Looks like the church retreat was a blast! Did your pastor take this for you?”
Now, let’s expand this to her profile content. You’re still looking for things you can playfully misinterpret or get wrong.
Let’s say she writes how she loves documentaries on serial killers.
The average guy would write something like “Oh, I love them too. What’s your favorite one?”
Boring, right?
What if you misinterpreted, and she was actually studying these documentaries because she’s a killer herself?
Your message could more like…
“How to do expect me to ask you out now that I know you’ve been studying murder documentaries? Afraid I’m going to need to some referrals from your exes at this point, assuming they’re still alive.”
Again, it’s silly.
Sure, her being a killer is possible, but it’s absurdly possible. That’s part of the humor.
Other ways to do this are by looking for the opposite of what she says.
So, say, she writes in her profile that she hates cilantro.
Your first line could be…
“Glad we matched. I know the best place in town for cilantro margaritas. Oh wait… Thanks for ruining what was going to be our awesome, 50-year marriage.”
Or you could point out why this doesn’t work for you, like…
“See, this is why we could never date – cilantro is the single greatest ingredient known to man. This can only be resolved with a cage match.”
Another version could be…
“You don’t like cilantro? That’s a dealbreaker. Do you have a twin sister with a more refined palate?”
Or let’s say her profile has no bio.
She hasn’t written a thing.
So, what’s the reality?
She’s probably lazy and that’s why she hasn’t done it.
Or, she’s insecure and doesn’t know what to write.
But, what could it be if you were using your imagination and you wanted to take it to an absurd level?
Well, maybe she’s actually a spy who is trying to keep a low-profile.
Or maybe she’s a princess from an eastern European country that was in an arranged marriage but she escaped it for love, but she now needs to keep her identity hidden.
Or maybe she’s a south American pop star on vacation, trying to escape the paparazzi. You get the point.
The root paradigm is this…
Identify what’s actually happening, then ask yourself what else could be happening instead, in an absurd way.
It’s humorous interpretation.
Banter as Playful Sarcasm
Banter can also start with playful sarcasm.
For instance, some women will have a profile that includes tons of random descriptions about themselves, like: “Dancer, bird lover, adventurer, cranky without coffee, daddy’s girl, just started taking karate lessons…”
It’s basically just a laundry list of who she is.
In this case, what you can do is pick a handful of her most random yet specific traits, and write something playfully sarcastic like:
“Weird – I was just telling a friend how Tinder hasn’t matched me with nearly enough adventurous, bird-loving, daddy’s girls who get cranky without coffee. Finally!”
As you’ll see in the real-world app conversations that I’ll show you in the next module, this approach usually goes over great.
By the way, this sarcasm extends to if she writes you first, which is what happens on Bumble.
So many women will be boring with their first message, so they’ll write something like “How was your weekend?”
Your sarcastic response could be…
“Great – successfully eluded the cops yet again!”
Or maybe…
“My weekend was filled with all sorts of sexy, exciting, dangerous, adventurous stuff which you probably wouldn’t be interested in.”
Just fun, silly humor.
We’ll save the rest of this section for the full course. You can switch over by clicking here.
Let's now jump ahead to another section, which is a big question on the dating apps...
How Do You Know When to Ask Her Out?
Your challenge is to see what her interest level in you is, as evidenced by the type of reply she gives you.
On that note, there’s a spectrum.
On the far left, you have a girl who you matched with, but she’s not really a viable date – she’s ignoring your texts.
For example, it’s been four days since you reached out and she still hasn’t responded.
On the far right is a girl who’s dying to go on a date with you. All you’d have to do is ask.
You can see this because she’s responsive to your texts in a timely manner, she asks you questions, and she drops little hints about in-person get-togethers.
Then in the middle are the gradients of those two extremes.
On the inside of the far left, she might have responded to you, but it’s short – like one sentence. And it’s not really “banter” or playful. Plus, she’s making no effort to continue the conversation by asking you a question. It’s a bit cold and uninterested.
One step to the right, things are improving.
She’s writing more to you in her texts. Or she’s bantering back with you. Maybe she’s asking you an information question about yourself.
Another step to the right and she’s either bantering a lot with you, or showing real interest with her questions.
Yet another stop to the right and she’s doing all this and qualifying herself to you. Basically, she’s trying to get in your good graces by answering your questions in such a way that she thinks she’s looking good to you.
The far-right side is what I mentioned a moment ago. She’s giving you obvious signals she’s interested in being asked out: lots of questions about you, perhaps she gives you her phone number without you asking, she mentions getting together…
The point is, you’re not “unclear” about her interest level.
Where she falls on this broad spectrum will give you a general indicator of what type of second message to send her, and what that means your goal is going forward.
Decode Her Interest Level Before You Write a Single Word
There’s a progression to a woman’s interest level in a guy on the apps, and by extension, her willingness to go on a date with that guy.
Unless you’re a super-handsome guy, it’s unlikely you’ll match and be able to get her to agree to meet you with a single text.
(Yes, that definitely happens, but if you’re reading this, it’s unlikely that it’s happening to you. Our goal is to make it so that it DOES happen to you.)
So, your goal is to accurately diagnose how close you are to being able to ask her on a date. Because that’s your main goal – you want to get off the apps and into the real world.
Only after diagnosing her interest correctly will you understand the right type of text to send her.
Too many guys get into a text exchange with a woman and just starting winging it. But they often end up getting ghosted.
Why?
Because they weren’t texting with a purpose and plan that’s based on the woman’s interest level.
And that leads the guy to send texts that aren’t appropriate for where the girl is in that moment in time.
For example, say a guy matches with a girl…
But she’s sending back short replies and not asking him any questions about himself.
Do those actions reveal a woman with high interest level?
No.
But let’s say the guy doesn’t pick up on this, so he asks her out anyway. What do you think is going to happen?
She’s probably going to ghost.
And the guy will say “what the hell! I don’t get it! women suck!”
But, if he’d simply monitored where she was on the interest spectrum, he would have realized that asking her out yet wasn’t yet appropriate.
She was on the left side of the “interest” spectrum. He would have known not to ask her out because of that.
The correct goal for that moment wasn’t a date, it was to banter with her successfully in order to move her over to the right side.
And if he’s successful in moving her to the right which – which he would monitor by watching her actions – then it’s time to ask her out.
There’s a progression.
So, let’s talk about which texts are appropriate for the various places along the spectrum.
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NOTE: For the free course, I'm going to stop here. At this point in the full course, we go through this entire spectrum, detailing what type of message to send women to get them closer to a date with you depending on where these women are on the spectrum.
To switch over to the full course, click here.
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