We’re slowly transitioning from looking at relationships on a broad level, to a more detailed level.
Before we get too detailed, let’s address a big-picture challenge many guys struggle with – balancing her need for time with you, which ties into her need to feel important to you…versus your need for time pursuing your purpose.
As you spend increasing amounts of time with her, and continue to show up as your best self, your girlfriend is going to want to spend more time with you.
This is how she’s built. The nature of a feminine woman is to create and nurture relationships.
The problem is she’s going to want more of your time than you’ll likely be able to give. After all, before you met her, your life was already full. Her presence now makes it packed.
So, what wins out? Pursuing your masculine purpose or spending time with her?
In short, your purpose wins.
I am in no way minimizing this woman’s importance to you. She could be the woman with whom you’ll spend the rest of your life.
But you’ve lived a long time without her, right? And you’ve been fine without her?
So, she’s not a requirement for your full, happy life.
On the other hand, pursuing a goal that’s the outward manifestation of your dreams, talents, and strengths is critical to your full, happy life.
That’s where your priorities should be.
Of course, yes, your woman must be a priority too. So, how do you balance time spent on your purpose with time allocated to your woman?
You make sure the time spent with her is quality time.
This means doing two things: one, truly connecting with her and, two, making her feel special
The first isn’t complicated – when you’re with her, be intentional about actually being with her. That means turn off the TV, put down the phone, hold eye contact and listen.
You can sum it up in two words:
Be deliberate.
Think back to the last time you tried to get some work done while also watching a football game on TV.
If you’re like me, you’ll read a few sentences of whatever’s in front of you, but you’re also glancing up at the TV every few seconds. Two minutes later, you realize you haven’t truly absorbed anything you’ve been reading, so you have to start over.
On the other hand, you haven’t been fully enjoying the game, so you’re missing some plays here and there.
The reality is you’re shortchanging both experiences. If you’d simply turn off the game and focus on the work, you could probably knock it out before halftime.
Then you could enjoy the entire second half without cracking a book. But since you’re trying to do both, you end up half-assing each one.
The same thing applies to times with her.
Sitting next to her on the couch, grunting out short answers to her questions while trying to concentrate on the game is not quality time.
She senses you’re not there with her, despite your physical presence. She feels devalued. The result is her anger or bitchiness.
But had you spent, say, 30 minutes before the game, truly locked in with her – TV/phone off, eye contact, listening intently, asking her questions, enabling her to process, letting her vent – there’s a far better chance she’d feel completely connected at this point, and sit happily on the couch beside you for the game (or she’d take off and let you watch it alone).
In the same way that standing in a mechanic’s garage doesn’t make you an actual mechanic, being in the physical presence of your woman doesn’t mean you’ve actually connected with her.
So, make her your focus when it’s time to be with her, and watch the amount of time you need to be with her decline.
Your second responsibility is to make her feel special
We brought this up before. She needs to feel she’s vastly more important to you than anyone else.
It’s in a woman’s DNA – it’s what they need in order to feel loved. And selfishly, you should want to give her this, because it’s what she needs in order to be that warm, loving, cuddly, complimentary, sexy, supportive person you love being around.
When you don’t make her feel special, she withers. When that happens, all those great qualities we just mentioned tend to fade. The other side – the “bitchy” side comes out. Everyone suffers.
Women are all different, so there’s not a one-size-fits all for making them feel special.
That said, a rule of thumb that can help is a three-step process: notice, validate, then appreciate.
For instance, she shows up for an evening with you appearing gorgeous – new dress, hair done up, makeup perfect, radiant.
When you don’t notice and comment on all the work that went into her appearance, it invalidates her efforts. It makes her feel small and unimportant to you. Instead, try the rule of thumb:
Notice her new dress, or the different hairstyle, or whatever it is. “Wow, look at that dress.”
Validate her by telling her how amazing she looks. “You look absolutely stunning. Every guy there tonight isn’t going to be able to take their eyes off you.”
Then, appreciate her for taking the time to give you the gift of looking so great. “I appreciate how much effort you put into looking so amazing.”
These “dress up moments” are easy to spot. The danger comes when she does subtler things for you that are a part of the usual, daily minutia of life.
For instance, she picks up your dry cleaning. That’s often easy to overlook, but overlook it too much and it will erode the relationship.
Do your best to recognize what she did for you, then apply the framework.
“Hey, I saw you got my dry-cleaning. I know you went out of your way to grab it for me. Thanks – that was really thoughtful, and it helped me out a lot.”
Now, let’s be realistic...
If you’re thinking to yourself “this sounds like a huge pain in the ass to remember and do consistently” I agree with you.
It is.
But do you want a healthy, thriving relationship?
If so, there’s a cost to having it. This type of stuff is part of that cost.
It’s up to you whether or not you’ll pay it.
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